Ryan's Blog (ManAgeApply)

I Just Want...

2012-01-25T01:53:00.000-08:00

The Greatest Speech Ever Made

2011-12-07T00:49:00.000-08:00

My First singing video - short

2011-10-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

The meaning of my life is equality for all, for the innocent to reign in altruism

2011-09-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

Since I am alive, I'd reckon I talk about the most important thing to ever come into my life, right now. The only meaning in my life that can possibly be accomplished. The only thing anyone's life should be lived for. For the betterment of all life on this planet. For the end of abuse done on to the innocent, the children, the animals, plants -- to allow the beings who are vulnerable (like children) to Man's evil nature to be avenged by being provided a life in dignity. When all life is supported, we are far greater than one's self-interest, that self-interest in which has always been, will be removed. This is only the true purpose in life. The true, satisfying, ultimate revenge against evil. To make sure every child who starves -- every child who is being raped, every animal that is abused, every single atom, and life particle being used as "profit", to be avenged in having an equal say, an equal opportunity to establish the betterment for the entire world. Where we redefine 'personal gain' as a gain that will benefit the entire world, and the future of the universe. Where the one's who suffer will have an opportunity to come back, and give their revenge, their revenge where all the innocents who were tortured, and those who came before them, will have the ultimate satisfaction in relief, the satisfaction of equality. Only this system, this 'economic system', is the reason we are so shallow and unforgiving. This 'human system,' is at the 'peak' of what we have accomplished. We've accomplished self interest only, through out the years -- it's BEEN NOTHING BUT SELF-INTEREST.If I could write anything before I die, it would be in support to establish a world that is best for all. A world where we have a social agreement, a currency exchange that will ALWAYS pay respect to the Earth first, EVER before mankind's own greedy, self-interest.I know I will get my wish, because I will die with the Earth, I will become part of the Earth when I die, to continue the progressiveness of self-realization and equality for all.

"Wanting to Die" is a false choice; and removing death as limitation

2011-08-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

We do not have power over death - we will die. So it is only an unnecessary obstacle to decide if one should die or not -- what you are naturally, as life will prosper until we die, we do not have a real choice in that, so there is no point thinking about death.

Within the statement, "Fuck my life" is saying, "I am not seeing actual, real life right in front me - I am following an idea about what my life should/could be - and creating myself a victim in fear to the inevitability of death - therefor wanting to give up, and feeling powerless." I will tell you to notice the small things, the small universes of life you can see within yourself, and enjoy them like each breath. Do not let money determine who you are, stand no matter what, you are life, this money, is not life (but use money to support yourself obviously, until a better system comes).

Yes, this system we all live in, is fucking brutal, many people live in HELL everyday - but that is not death deciding - that is us, we as people, deciding what we will create on this Earth for our children to endure. So to make the best of it, we require desperately a new monetary system -- a system that recognizes what life is, and is able to provide it to every child, animal, and being on this planet. So we can have a better world for all.

Death will obviously come - and when it comes it will be your moment to forgive yourself absolutely and help start again in contributing to a better life for all. So you will be here no matter what, within your stand to support life.

Death is a limitation - that which we can solve through equality and connection. So through understanding ourselves as REAL life, we will be able to move past this limitation -- this form of control -- through all being equally apt in removing death, to be able to work together in becoming who we really are.

Death is absolute forgiveness, you're giving your body back, you're then one with this brutal system that slaughters innocents everyday. You have equalized yourself to the total outcome of the reality we have created for ourselves.

http://www.desteni.co.za
http://www.equalmoney.org

Praying isn't real, and doesn't work

2011-08-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

It is the harsh way of the world. Our prayers and thoughts have no influence on reality's (not directly, physically) cause and effect. Prayer does not even have an accumulation effect -- where the more people pray, apparently the better the prayer is -- prayer does not even have that. It's a form a fear/hope mixed with superstition in search for a "miracle." It is all in the mind, and all not tangible, physical evidence of real change.

In human development -- prayer is apart of the "superstitious" area of human development, along with the belief in God -- we haven't changed much since our cave days, unfortunately.

Health 'Care' for the Rich

2011-08-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hospitals are here for people to make money, because people will spend money on their health, not for the actual care and well being of others. If the health 'care' was real, there would be hospitals to help anyone regardless of their financial condition. It cannot be any other way at the moment, this is the sick form of survival we have created within this system. It is the same as corporations marketing themselves as "good people" by saying they are donating to charity -- when this is obviously for their own face value, so people will see them as "good" and buy into their bullshit.

Due to the extensive disconnection humans have with their physical reality, down to the Earth and their own physical health -- we will have problems until we start actually respecting life and not measuring according to a fiat value. That's for heartless robots.

Investigate the Equal Money system. http://www.equalmoney.org
http://www.desteni.co.za
http://www.desteniiprocess.com

Thankful as Desteni

2011-08-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

Within 3 years of participating with Desteni, I've had an incredible amount of support, and time to know what is me, to know what is real in my life, and what isn't real. I have had many opportunities to understand and explore the lessons voiced in the material; about our world as a people, and myself in connection. Desteni has definitely helped the 'maturing' stages in my life, where now, I am gaining my respect for life for the first time, because humanity takes life for granted in absolute deception.

The final lesson we learn, is like the fly we swat, we are subject to greater points of destruction in the same determined way. The lack of control we have for the oceans, forests, children is adding up, getting worse everyday. The respect we have for life is non-existent. How humanity works together is measured through a currency, meaning, there is no real communication; Just people speaking code, choosing an option weighing the most. Machines, in other words, which have a "special" personality -- a personality that ignores the actual, REAL, PHYSICAL reality.

For example,

One person trades gold for a piece of paper -- that's it,just the switching of 2 objects -- the idea of possession is actually a delusion. Possession is a measured form of superstition. The objects only move to different spaces: the human then names the space -- calls it a country, then fears losing what it has and counter-strikes.

That is all I have to say for now.

My thoughts on Youtube Corruption towards Desteni

2011-08-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

First people attack their farm, and try to take their land, now they are attacking them on youtube. It goes back to this very important saying which describes Desteni as true revolutionaries: "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." (Arthur Schopenhauer)

These people are talking about the good for all life. About treating others as yourself. About supporting everyone in this world financially.

How does 4 Desteni youtube channels get removed at the same time? How can BernardPoolman's channel violated copyright when he uses his own pictures, his own music and his own words?! How does that happen? I think there is someone corrupt on the inside, because this is just totally unreal. And DesteniProductions youtube channel -- what was the copyright violation? that they used pictures of landscapes and animals?

Anyway I am definitely heated over Youtube's corruption and abuse. This will not stop desteni though.

Go here and follow directions to get desteni back up
http://desteni.co.za/intro-forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=701

My past life in the soul construct (sci-fi)

2011-07-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

I remember being at a choice. There was a master - the one that was closest to me - did not answer any of my questions - nor really gave me direction, like really silent. I thought he was there to support me, but instead I assumed it was time to take action myself. He stood as a blockage or barrier from what was behind him, through that blockage he was siletly insinuating the choice would be going to Earth since I could go no other way, plus it was what I wanted to do. Many were going straight to Earth -- it was seen as a "new step" for possible ascension - I immediately took the opportunity because I followed like a dedicated soldier for my duty -- my duty to become a master. I wanted to reach great proportions in the afterlife - I wanted to abstract that "one of a kind" earth experience - I wanted to have my own, unique power and substance - and I saw Earth - as everybody saw Earth the same way, as the "new" perfect target. We were told there were MAJOR consequences for going to Earth -- that is how I knew the reward for "one of a kind Earth ascension" would be great. I blindly believed I could carry this out and become what I wanted to be.

The odd thing is, we knew there were major problems with Earth -- but we did not investigate at all what was going on. It was like we saw the problems -- but I was placed in a position to where -- yet unknown -- there was a preset "safe-guard" to where I would end up -- where I would not end up in a place of horror.

As soon as I got to Earth, it was not at all what I expected it to be. Nor did I become what I wanted to become. I felt tricked. I knew I was not coming back to the afterlife with new ascension status, or coming back at all -- the ascension status I wanted to achieve on Earth was actually already set within my physical make-up, my DNA. And apparently I did not do good enough in the after-life to receive a perfect body, a perfect voice, tons of money, and anything I could possibly want, like the others have done. Where the more you deceived, the more benefits you will have now on Earth.

I also realized recently that my entire afterlife existence was 'programmed' in such a way, it was all predetermined -- all created for me to walk through as a slave in belief I was actually changing and becoming greater.

God, or anu, did not exist in the afterlife -- we had no power to even conceive him -- we were far unable to actually perceive whatever the fuck it was running the entire thing. We saw nothing, at all in relation to a god.

Update: I thought I was going to be god, getting my ascension status from Earth, I would be able to fix the Earth's problems.

What I wrote to someone the other day:

[7/29/2011 9:38:39 PM] Ryan Franklin: i think when we were in the soul construct we were designed to please 'masters', they never said anything, just held a 'barrier' so to speak, and those were going to earth, i decided to immediately do it - despite the consequences that were known (being born without remembering what happend) - a lot of the fucked up shit going on wasn't really paid attention to for some reason, must of been a gamble -- actually a deception to somehow put myself on earth without being fucked over in poverty. In the soul construct i originally wanted to do what was most pleasing to the masters, but they never really responded, just in a way guided me slightly without much force. I wanted to become one of them.

but it would be some kind of 'new embodiment'
when getting to earth.

no, like a new level of ascension
[7/29/2011 9:43:37 PM] Ryan Franklin: or understanding or something
[7/29/2011 9:43:44 PM] Ryan Franklin: like a gain of power
[7/29/2011 9:43:55 PM] Ryan Franklin: reward by going through a new earth process
[7/29/2011 9:44:18 PM] Ryan Franklin: to become a master
[7/29/2011 9:45:01 PM] Ryan Franklin: its odd - like i knew the consequences were really extreme - but i must of just jumped in immediately like a warrior

I met a girl

2011-07-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I met a girl outside, she said she was fucked up off 4 xanax pills. And was talking about murdering people because she was pissed off (talking about different ways to kill people). I knew I had to be some type of "calming point" in her life - I knew I had to influence her in someway to better herself, and not do something in the future she would regret - where she could hurt herself or hurt others. So I just explained to her what I do when I get pissed off with people, which is that I don't "involve myself into their lives" and I move on. She found relation to this point - of 'moving on' and letting go - and shared some things her dad would tell her about forgiving. I never said the word forgiveness though, that I regret, I should of made that point clear - but I will not have regret, because I did all in my power to make her consider her actions, to not deal with petty things like that. We also talked about handling these situations effectively, and self-defense.

She probably wont remember any of it, but I still imprinted something. But Inside, i was shocked, that this is what we have become as a society - jealous and evil, wanting to cause harm to each other. I do not see a good future within the habits i saw within her - but I did my best to have a clear starting point and direct her the best I could to support herself.

I have not dealt with these points before in such a long time - but I feel if I could get more practice at helping peopel (first getting a stable foundation within myself)- i could help people in these situations more effectively, also because I have been in the same boat.

we got it all wrong

2011-07-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

beliefs are fabricated ideas about reality, so we can say, we all got it wrong, we fucked up, we require removal of all we have known to be the truth, and accept a system that accepts reality, not destroys it.

we have to forgive ourselves to be able to give back to all that has been fucked over in this system

odd thing... self

2011-07-26T02:03:00.000-07:00

self turns into different forms and shapes, giving each part its own individual choice based on a predetermined design -- a design which requires the different parts to eat each other. Like an animal eating a human. in this, we see we know very little about ourselves -- if 'knowing' were the goal, anyway. We can see that who we are as this gigantic self is a monster -- a huge complication. An evolving organism that adapts to it's surroundings, and for some reason decided it has to eat itself in order survive.

the question is, how did we create ourselves in this way?

A Call To All Spiritual Warriors and Lightworkers|Don't Trust Desteni

2011-06-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

ryan 5/21

2011-05-21T18:27:00.001-07:00

Sitting here. Been having complications with communicating/supproting with the body. Staggered. And unbeleiavably unaware of my time-based self past, present and future -- which has me at 'awe' the most -- the 'standing the test of time' definition. Primarily the delusion of thinking i am 1 thing -- when the test of time -- given any situation i am in -- and any person i am -- would change and contradict what i think i am. The current moment itself is a deception, because this is where i get my current thoughts and self-definitions from, despite it simply just being a tool move here itself -- its the false promise part which I have a problem with.

compilation of the mind. the mood. the beliefs, the knowledge, the experience of myself as my mind in my body -- is what creates the pain. THe deception of giving up and giving in to 'relapse'. I cannot escape as i desire to escape -- and to escape would be into a happy, comfortable mood in a nice atmosphere. That is brainwashing because i am not looking at myself here when i do that. All i know is i want the pain to stop. I feel it, the systems running through my physical body wherein I have no control - and they do their own thing. The systems in my skin, my lungs, my blood, my heart -- from drinking soda -- smoking ciggs, the things i eat. I haven't bathed in a few days, i feel a thin layer of bacteria amongst me, maybe - like a dirty feeling in a way.

Oh Goodness, I just want to be free. Be free fromm the system chains i impose on myself. Be free from my constant self-manipulation. I see so predominantly, so automatically, that I need an outside source -- that i've constantly defined myself to an outside source my entire life, where not seeing myself is such a common thing. Enslaved to entertainment. Enslaved to lonliness. Flashing light screens always in front of my eyes. Am i looking at the real world, or a screen? Did i mask something? I am in process of stopping my mind completely, becuase I know I will not be in it -- i will be in reaality, i will be aware of everything. I will not distract myself, and for once, just fucking once, realize what equality and oneness actually means on my own. Seeing what the entire reason and purpose is for supporting myself. Does that exist outside of surivival? We do not know of such things. We know of survival, we know nothing about self-support...

I'm SICK of vanishing into a MEMORY. SICK. Nothing of who i really am as life actually exists as me here. I am existing as a program that i so clearly, and most-seemingly, helplessly see. I am constantly in limbo -- and what i mean by that -- existing as the mind, and that is it -- no anything at all -- just me as the mind, and i do not move anywhere -- like i cannot see the points in which i am disregarding thhrough autmaitc brainwashing.. i said i want to stop my mind completely -- and yet i cannot do it. Work one point at a time though.

I've applied forgiveness on the points of wanting sex, and wanting .. whatever it is when 2 people have intimate relations --- whatever that is -- ive applied self-forgiveness -- and since i did it- - i realized i only suppressed it, because it still exists. Like a permanent thing is missing inside of me --

Am I not whole already? MY Dad said, a female is like the 2nd part of me, and i am not whole- - maybe he is just fucking lying to me. It does not matter, it is sad, how do i overcome this? Besides having sex and go into an agreement -- how do i overcome this? I have to stop this constant way of thinking i am not already complete, this constant thinking of needing something outside of me. And i have to be diligent, constant, and self-respectful in my self-forgiveness process. I have to open me up more with self-forgiveness.

I go INTO thoughts about something outside of me. I go into thoughts of the TV display. WTF. I go into thoughts within the video game, pretending i am supporting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame certain women for the way i've experienced myself for years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on sexuality and physical dominance as a male =-- according to not being the picture perfect thing I have wanted to be in my mind., and therfore judge others according to myself as me being accepted or not accepted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold secret thoughts in my secret mind of anger towards a specific person in which I allowed myself to believe this person was deliberatly trying to anger me and make me feel jealous.

The positive shit that happens in my life is something that is harder to stop -- because i do not want to stop it. With negativity, it is a redflag that comes up -- with positivity (ego- positivity) it is like i cannot possibly see a way to stop it. I am so consumed by the positive experience i begin to believe it is real and justified. [The sun is setting going outside] [back, taking a shower -- i got a bit a rain on me, having minor fears of radiation]

It is he thoughts of occurrences themselves, in which i have enslaved myself to.

To hide something is to judge it, and to not look at it -- to believe i am not that if i do not present it to others-- thinking it is the outer, the others in which define me. Exposing myself is self-support to look at how I've accumulated myself to become that which I am ashamed of -- to be have the ability to stop it at it's source accumulation.

Ok, within family, the way I was raised -- was through a 'towering' father -- great dad, but the way I had been raised, was according to being less than him -- where I've developed a 'thing' to be afraid to speak my opinion -- and wanting to lash out in intensity because of immense fear of being shut down. I'm going to look at how this is relating to my process now. The part of myself within time where I do not think I am capable -- or possess the purpose and motivation to do something -- and thus want to give up, and go into my desire to not desire anything- - the desire to not do what i do not feel like doing; thus immobilizing myself. Feel to express myself.

The desire to stop writing is setting in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and remain in a state of not applying self-forgiveness to thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not good enough as i am here.
I will continue later.

Ryan 5/19/11 - self-corrective application

2011-05-19T10:25:00.001-07:00

I had a really strong episode of self-forgiveness: I saw so many times when I'd walk through out my day where I would go into a mood -- it would happen really fast. When I walked into the convenient store, a fear/drowsy mood would "mask" everything I would see and experience -- when i walked up to the cashier a fear, like, "oh i don't want to talk to him / let's just get this over" -- Later, I was signing up for next semesters classes and it is a pain in the ass - I would experience parts of me going into extreme intensity and fear of failure/things not working out -- then I would go to my class -- and would normally experience laziness / fear /procrastination

I stopped all those experiences the moment they came up. The intensity one was pretty brutal at first- but the rest -- was amazing to see myself come back here in self-forgivenss -- and not remain in the delusion of "I am defined by my mood," literally peeling off the "mood mask," to where I would see reality totally different, as If I had missed what was actually here the whole time, seeing it completely new, in a way. Because, the mood, has always been a major thing with me, obviosuly, you can see my past writings, I can be defined by a sharp changing mood which will completely consume my life -- all based on feelings and physical experiences..... It is cool and certain to be - clear and certain within myself.

Also -- I normally would gossip in my mind -- integrate my personality-self within my words as I move through out my day (or would hide from the day in some cases through depression)-- to take stances on what i believed myself to be -- backchat and frontchat -- but when i would stop it, through self-forgiveness, it was like another "mood mask" i was taking off -- like the gossip/observer/voice in the head, was only my mood, in a different form.

When I would try to stop my back chat days ago, I would experience extreme loss of myself / disconnection of myself because I was not forgiving myself. I was experiencing "thinking to lose thinking," -- I was experience myself in "purgatory" so to speak, where I'd stop thinking and it would literally hurt me -- because I that very next moment within me-- I knew within me that I actually did not stop -- and that I was only compounding the next delusions, the next anger, the next amount of perceptual experiences to retain through my mistaken identity -- mistakingly believing I was stopping "to get away," when I was not being self-honest, and applying self-forgiveness in actuality. Mainly, because I feared facing myself -- I had laziness, and major powerlessness within "wanting" to do self-forgiveness, wherein I thought it was pointless, and that I did not have the strength to be self-honest, and thought I could just jump to the "stop thinking" part without internally organizing myself with self-forgiveness, to bring all of myself back here.

Anyway, that is a quick recap on my day thus far. I have much more blogging to do, because big changes are coming to me soon, and I have to make sure I am stable, and organized within myself in how to walk through / take these points on.

Ryan 5/19/11

2011-05-19T00:55:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a fearful existence of being alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my insecurities through judgments on to myself - in judging myself according to preoccupying my vision with others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving in my life - thus creating a depression energy where i do not move

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate because of the belief i will never be intimate with anyone

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because i believed i am not responsible as the creator of who i am

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage myself within regret - of not becoming and expanding as who i really am not as who i think i am

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame someone for believing they deceived me - for allowing myself to suppress thoughts of another within judgments

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow backchat towards another within an experience i had within another - and creating my future experiences with another based on my perception and ego

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i need to have an intimiate friend that is a girl to come into my life- where i wait and feel sorry for myself, not taking responsibility in stopping it -- instead i would hold on to long time grudges of me being victimized in hope to change by receiving attention in the future

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to express sorrow - and sadness - and giving up through crying - to enable my victimized -- helpless existence as my mind

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i have free choice - within wanting to hide from the world and do my own thing - because i do not see myself fully commited within my world and what im doign due to the feeling of hope - not having hope -believing that what i am doing is not of any purpose or worth

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe i am not worth anything because of having reasons and excuses based on wanitng another to provide me worth -- where i would experience no worth from what i want -- i would feel worthless and want to die

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently believe in the same things based on energy through out my day - where i determine my entire life based on feeling depressed and drowzy without meaning-- and using that as the background to not fully be committed to myself and within what i am doing

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ---- feel absolutely powerless towards the circumstances within my world towards other people. Where i have given into peer pressure -- given into my mind, my thoughts, my habits, my addictions, my reactions on purpose because i have not allowed myself to stop and actually change in a better direction -- not allowing myself to slow down and recognize the main pripority points in time needed to take responsibility the most within changing.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base myself upon motivation where i indulge in the things i do want to do -=- and completely isolate and block out myself from my real responsibilities.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who i am through memory - basing my judgments and understandings on memory through a desired outcome/

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deem myself less than according to how ive experienced myself within my mind within the past

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to become more within my the thoughts i possess within my mind - in ana attempt to become something mroe according to how i think others would react - in order to be accepted a certain, desirable way - in which i have possessed before, that goal within my mind constantly -- where it has happened so much it automatically comes up through my participation as who ive integrated myself as -- it is a repetivie thing- therefor i will only work with what is here and stop it through self forgivenesss

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely fear -- creating dred inside me - related to the point of being forgotten by others -- replaced by the idea of another i have -- fear of living completely alone and completely rejected absolutely towards the point within death -- fearing death because i believe i am inadqeuate within this life here -- as life --a s oonly one breath

League of legends experience

2011-05-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

I've been playing this video game with people at my school called League of Legends. And I like the game, but the online community is piss poor. Every single random person on the game, is a whiny person who consistently blames other players for their experiences. There is no rational excuse for the amount of abuse through words that takes place on the game. Anyway, I have built up a lot of strong reactions within this towards the human race being nothing more than a parasite - as an emotional build up of annoyance with this typical, general competitive human behavior that exists within everyone. I've reacted myself, participating in responding to others who are doing this - in a fashion, mimicking them at points when I've built up anger about the situation, where I become one of them -- allowing the cloning, brainwashing process of spitefulness to continue. "Let he without sin cast the first stone "-- and I am no person without sin - so I am going to not allow these reactions to others, it is just unacceptable. If we are going to change this world we have to stop this self-abuse, without any excuses to continue in self abuse no matter what. Yes, there are a lot of "trolls" - "nasty people" out there - (I mean just look what's on TV, look at what entertains people these days) - meaning we cannot sit here and change every person -- or respond to every person -- it is totally pointless -- only more hate compounds within self through time -- so we have to compound self-forgiveness -- to accumulate self direction so that when we inevitably face these situations wherever we go -- we handle it in complete, absolute self-honesty and self-respect within and as life itself - and not the brainwashed ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the human race of being incapable of changing -- when it is actually me who has allowed myself not to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to attack others because of the experience of disliking the way we humans exist today because i create a reaction of wanting to participate the way they are participating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on judgments others project on to me when they are only projecting it on to themselves - they create the experience within themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am righteous in my opinons towards others - and feel the power of 'combating' them when they initiate spitefulness because I have misplaced myself within the reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be cloned in a form of spitefulness in wanting to attack others who i beleive have made me feel uncomfortable - when i am really responsibile for my own expeirence

http://www.desteni.co.za
http://www.equalmoney.org

I opened another blog: Join NetworkedBlogs

2011-04-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

My social commentary has ended with this blog. I have opened another blog for that only. This blog will be specifically on my personal process of realizing myself as LIFE -- here, working to clean up the world -- because I realize we all deserve equal rights in self-honesty through the equal money system -- and that we trashed the world, we are all responsible for cleaning it up.

http://thefranklinreview.blogspot.com/

Please follow it on Facebook NetworkBlogs:

http://networkedblogs.com/hgoTY

this blog on NetworkedBlogs:
http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/rpf_blog_equalmoney.org/

Evolutionary EnSlAvEmEnt

2011-04-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Fish farming: a controlled environment for fish to feed and then be sold on the fish market in mass quantity once they reach a certain weight. The fish notice a higher power controlling their small, man-made habitat, judging by the sight of the moving nets, human hands, and an environment not naturally known to them. The fish notice that these operations are not instinctively familiar within their normal way of living, creating confusion, uncertainty, and a lack of trust within their crowded environment. They also notice these moving nets and walls are designed to keep them in destined, controlled motion -- to keep them manipulated in a place of check, by a higher power, for a greater plan they do not understand.

Man's hunting abilities have evolved in the mind to get to a point of dominance and control over other life forms in order to survive. The fish survive just as well - but what has happened all this time? Is the process, and development to be the strongest life form only a trap in a controlled environment? Who is marketing us? Who is making us believe we need to be "strong" / "free," to have a healthy weight in order to be sold on the meat market at a good price? Isn't that where the propaganda of "freedom" comes in -- where the masses believe they are free, producing a strong output for world leaders /farmers? So, millions of years of evolutionary development, for what? So we can kill ourselves? To get to a point where we do not realize life -- but merely a system that is a cycle of beginning and end? A controlled environment? Is that the controlled environment of limitation, self-abuse, and self-deception we choose to exist in? The fear of death will not exist when we die, so death is needed to realize life apparently -- where we believe in a higher power -- for death to be our way -- to escape into a heaven-- Can we trust a higher power? LOL

Evolutionary EnsSALVeMEnt

Inner G - Inner God - Enter God through Energy EnSlAVEd EVOLution meant to be predatOR meaned (predeterMINeD) .. lol

if it's about survival of the fittest, god's got us by the balls.

Ryan Franklin

The Dumbest Animal

2011-04-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

The human is the only animal that is going to destroy itself and everything on the planet. For fuck's sake, we built 6 plutonium reactors on a fucking FAULT LINE -- for what? To boil water.

So let's safely understand that the human is drastically flawed and requires a self-honest change - the human must change for what is best for all -- not change for ego. Everything we know came from a foundation of murder -- and it's never stopped, so how can we trust what we know to discern what is best for everybody? It is profit that decides that. This is why we do not debate what is best for all, self-honesty is real, practical change here in this one world, this reality.

We instead turn to imaginary concepts -- things that have no actual impact on what is best for humanity -- just stimulate the delusion of free choice, and vanity. History proves that airy feelings like love, god, prayer, spirituality, etc, are all based on money and have never done anything to improve the world, only make it worse. Then the stubborness of feeling offended kicks in and we never learn from our mistakes, rather remain in what we want to believe in.

How is it we pretend to be the smartest then?

Let's stop passing cancer down to our kids, and sort this world out.

http://www.desteniiprocess.com
http://www.equalmoney.org
http://www.desteni.co.za

week process update

2011-04-23T11:38:00.001-07:00

I haven’t wrote myself out in a week, so going to do that now, share what I have been experiencing within these 2 weeks. Mainly, I am a bit confused as fears as I perceive as physical – which lead to fear of death – like I have “end of the world” fears, not wanting to die / wanting things to get better for the world. I had ‘given up’ on the point of trying to forgive myself – I have placed these points as ultimate fears, and that I think forgiving myself for having these fears will not be real. But that itself is not real.

So with Self forgiveness, I am removing an idea, firstly. Seems pretty easy, but yet supportively specific at the same time -- I mean, it’s an idea, it’s not even real – and the idea is connected to other ideas – like the fear of radiation is connected to the fear of death – fear of loss – fear of ‘not living my life’ – fear of facing death – fear of not facing death in the face self-honestly – fear of cowering at the moment of death – fear of not connecting my self-forgiveness to what is real– fear I will not live every breath – fear I will remain fucked – fear I will not have an opportunity to free myself– fear I will lose everything I have defined myself to – fear of losing a lot of things within that context, like many different areas of my life that have a specific ‘fear code of loss’ designated to them individually. I am going to do forgiveness on these points.

School is done with, I excelled, so now I can start focusing a bit more on process. Whereas, It seems that I missed a whole week of breathing – that I was in my mind focusing on accomplishing my tasks – where it was hard to remain focused on breathing as well. I walked quite a line of mind polarity – many points came up of self-weakness – where I could not “find” my principle – like the gravity beneath my feet was gone – I could not ‘remember’ what self-application and self-forgiveness worked, like a trap in a way. I had justified emotional reactions in my mind through this, like anger and frustration. But I just pushed through it in that way I had accepted myself – and got done what needed to be done. Now I am back here with time to get myself back on track with process, return myself back to principle as I had ‘strayed’– time to build clarity to stand stronger for these next “time crunches”.

I experienced a lot of thick depression this week, I am sure it is related to stopping my sexual urges for 2 weeks, which has been the longest time I’ve stopped ever. So that is why I am writing, to get familiar with the breath again, and self-forgivenes – because within this week it was like I was getting farther away from principle

And about the bed bugs I thought were eating me, it turned out my skin was having an allergic reaction to something in my room. So Marlen discussed with the importance of working in the physical, and being clean, taking care of my shit – this point is a big one for me lol – I am learning my lesson, slowly but surely.

Marlen has been really cool to talk to. It is nice to have someone to talk to in Desteni, to keep in touch with. Our lives are a lot alike, it is ‘awkwardly’ funny. I am thankful for her assistance.

Providing real love for all

2011-04-22T04:27:00.000-07:00

There is a dishonest point within related to speaking from concepts. Like connecting concepts together rather then speaking from a self-honest perspective of how I came to understand these points. So, I cannot be myself when I am trying to speak outside of my own experience.

Recently I had displeasure when seeing many words of, "just love," to fix the worlds problems, like a failed history of voodoo repeating itself while we are at inner wars within ourselves hoping for a lovely miracle quick fix, rather then seeing the actual steps needed to provide real love to each other -- I caught wind to 'speak out / attack that' because of my annoyance with seeing something that is claiming to be good, when the idea of love is based on money, inside an evil money system. I can say that it is quite obvious to see that love does not feed people, it does not give people the innate unconditional requirements of life. Children starve every 5 seconds -- so it is difficult to say that love exists -- when it is the money system that dictates it all. So obviously real love is being able to provide each other with an unconditional income based on life -- said it so many times already -- we fucked up the world through an Evil Money System -- we can unfuck through an Equal Money System.

Visit website, understand self-honesty, get involved
www.equalmoney.org

make income supporting life and each other
www.desteniiprocess.com

for your entertainment

Imagination that is Violent and Aggressive

2011-04-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

process is tough right now

2011-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

this night and yesterday process has been very tough. i went into total fear, convincing myself that my fears are too great to get rid of. i try to get some sleep and i cannot sleep because i am bitten by really small bugs so i have to take care of this today. i have finals so i have been studying, and there a lot of conspiracy theories about radiation and other shit that have been preoccupying my mind. i have lost total ability to masturbate so it feels like my mind is constantly in a trap like i cannot release this shit like how i normally would... but i have just another week and half before my 21 days is up then i can do the breath orgasm. i have to study all day today... like my mind is racing a million miles an hour and it is like i do not want to stop it through breath because of exuces, energy possession, fears.

i am having a lot of physical pain in my body, and the only way it goes away is if i am fully breathing and not in my mind. i have gone through many points of self-pity then i just stop it. like making up excuses about "ive been in this room for too long i am going crazy" type shit. ok im going to get something to eat, shower, and start taking care of things. not going to sit idle and do nothing about what i am experiencing. i am going to correct it.

i do know it helps to write this out. so just write out what youre experiencing if troubles are crazy

Remove Jealousy from your Life FOREVER

2011-04-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

I will die with dignity

2011-04-16T09:31:00.001-07:00

The abuse of life continues everyday, and every point in human history, everything we’ve ever done has been a trap – it has been a point of enslavement in everyway, where we have never known what Is actually going on, enslaved by our own ambitions, living entire years and years of a lie – with no way out as we only continue forward down our path, always flawed in our self-definitions.

I build strength within myself through self-forgiveness and self-honesty. I overcome that which I limited myself to.

I have a stand – a pact to make sure that I do what is best for all, and realize this world for myself – so that I do not allow abuse of another to ever exist again. And when I go, I will have no regrets, because I know that I am doing that best I can to stop this madness, so I have nothing to complain about and fear – I stand for an Equal Money System, I stand for an Equal Life for all – and I am taking, and being aware of every breath I take – in complete due respect to the organisms that have given me life.

I will be applying self-forgiveness until I die, giving back to myself and this world a chance to start over, and rebuild, and fix what we have created.

I am incredibly thankful for Desteni helping me see the way of self-honesty and self-forgiveness.I will forgive myself, and live this process of actual change – PROVING that the human can change oneself for a better world – proving the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, equality for all, and the equal money system is mathematically proven to be the absolute solution.

Discipline stopping back doors and excuses using Principled Breathing

2011-04-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

I notice all excuses, fears, assumptions are backdoors -- they exist as an understanding my reality / myself done through my mind -- where I say for example, "I am so afraid of the outside world, I will never take responsibility for it because I do not want to, I will hide," === this is a judgment of the mind -- and when you return back to breath, back to principle -- it doesn't even exist! It proves these excuse are actually totally irrelevant to myself and my reality. Irrelevant meaning, they do not influence my actual world in any way. Meaning, I can walk through my day, using one breath at a time -- and those fears will never come up, because they do not have a point of reference to attach to -- they will never associate to anything my world. Because my observation is not actual reality in the first place.

So today was interesting. I went through a long night of rating videos and commenting, and had the presumption that I would be fine for my school day -- where I suddenly was overwhelmed with a thick energy of tiredness to where I could not move once I laid down. I laid down two hours before class and had weird dreams, dreams of being in Desteni Canada with Adrian, Mike, and Will -- we were at wal-mart. Then I was back with old highschool friends, and I was singing and felt amazing when I sang, and others loved it when I would sing (I have had many dreams before in which I am singing with a better voice than what I really have) -- then a really odd dream happened, I dreamed my little brother took my acid reflux medicine, and I got really mad at him -- like I remember this anger so clearly -- like extreme anger of, "why did you do that?? why did you take my medicine?"

The reason I have had so many dreams within a short amount of time was due to stopping the masturbation addiction. In order to stop addictions I understand that a deliberate thought of engaging in fake sex is creating a backdoor to exist. No backdoors can exist within principle. Not one thought can exist of this -- deliberate thoughts are the big ones to watch for -- the other ones will naturally come up when I see an attractive woman -- but it is not the same as deliberately creating a backdoor -- but I stop in the moment once they come up, regardless of what it is. Coming back to breath through principle and self-forgiveness is truly revealing and fascinating -- to see how much I deceived myself into thinking something that is not physical can actually make me think it is -- that something not physical can actually stimulate me -- SO BOOM - STOP -- how interesting it is to stop something that is not physical -- in realizing the physical. I mean, I am starting to see how much I suppressed myself, creating jealousy, guilt, shame - created from the side effects of masturbating to porn and memories. It is like I am seeing my actual sexuality -- real physical sexuality unfold within who I really am - something that is not fake or imaginary. Coming back in tune, in touch with what I have been missing out on this whole time. 21 days in progress, I am not putting my realizations on a pedestal or a belief, just sharing what I have experienced thus far in relation to stopping this in returning back to principled breathing and selfforgiveness. The main thing is to remove backdoors, to not allow backdoors to exist and distract you, lead you away from principle.

Ok, moving on through my day. I woke up 10 minutes before class, and I was extremely tired. I was coming upon hour 24 without eating and I felt extremely weak, and decided that it will be ok to sleep past this class and that I would discuss it with my teacher later on in the day. I mean, I did not initially expect this -- to be so overhwlemed and tired -- it was like the backdoor to stay up late, not take responsibility in going to sleep directed me, instead of me directing myself. So I had to endure with what I gave myself, and slept past the class. Fortunately the consequences are practical to deal with -- I did not suffer from anything major from doing this. Although, it is not to say that this was acceptable -- but I had it planned to counteract that backdoor with what I created, and thus had to walk through -- in which I create a lesson to learn from -- that not to stay up late thinking I will be ok for class, when it is only a backdoor excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I awoke afterwards and finished the day, came back and finished my sleep cycle. Now here I am. So, time to walk through these points in which I am actually facing now, facing here. I'm coming near the end of the semester, and this is the most intense part of the semester -- finals, and grades end up becoming permanent. So I have had backdoors that exist in the past that created unwanted test grades, in which shift me into thinking I am walking a thin line again -- and will have to do extra well on the upcoming assignments, which is obviously the plan. I just have to pay attention to managing my time in the most effective, actual way of completing these assignments the best I can.

I have developed a discipline system to where I would punish, and scare the absolute shit out of myself, with deep fear and worry -- whenever I would not take care of an assignment. I mean, yes it has supported me, it has really got my ass in gear -- despite how irrational the intense fear and worry has got at times -- it worked -- it's just that the experience is not a cool experience at all. It is a very bad one -- it has got my ass moving and working well to not fuck up -- but the reason it was created in the first place was because there was a reason for it to exist-- the reason for this fear/punishment feelings I created was due to the fear of fucking up in school like I have before in the past. Like the asbolute fear of going through what I went through in the past. I mean it really shows I care. But at the same time -- it is not to keep this fear as a permanent correction tool - but establish a point of consistency -- to where I do not need this punishment/fear/emotion/discipline system anymore to be able to direct myself.

But as of now -- this type of necessary, yet unwanted discipline system is setting in again -- I mean scaring the shit out of myself. It works like this for example, playing over and over in my mind, "Finals are coming, finals are coming, school is tomorrow, check up on grades, do not fail, you've fucked up before, don't fuck up," -- because If I don't correct, I know these hidden fears will come true, will actually manifest if I do not discipline myself in this way. So participating in backdoors and excuses give this type of discipline system to exist in order to counteract those unwanted consequences -- and the consequences and effects backdoors created are done through a span in time, meaning they are not instant, or immediate -- so if i am allowing self-dishonesty to exist in just one point 2 months ago, I have create a list of things I have to walk through in order to fully correct that backdoor from coming up again.

But as of now I am keeping it simple, primarily, going to work on my organization / priority skills -- setting the things that need to be done one breath at a time. Laying out myself in a schedule, and steps needed to be taken care of and walked through. Because organization is my weak point.

Some self-forgiveness in the moment:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a point of incompleteness justified to exist within me in relation to urgency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a point of feeling extreme- lost -- like i am lost in my mind, not really have a solid bearing in which to reference self-honesty and specifically self-correction through breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create backdoors as a side effect of dstracting myself from self-honedty and breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my certain perception based on interpreting through my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stop and actually see what I am creating is backdoors and excuses -- thus I would continue in these thoughts because I recognized them as an acceptable way to function in my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base myself off an experience of feeling, and assumption in wanting to become more and grasp it all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and create // mainly suppress fears of abusing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a definition of myself in how i would see myself according tro presenitng myself and assuming how others would see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything outside of the breath to be actually real and justified to exist as my self-direction -- when that is only existing as a backdoor

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself in what seems just a dark vastness of nothing, who I am without bearing or direction -- when I am simply hiding from truly forgiving myself and releasing what it is i think i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the back door in my mind through thinking -- not exisitng only as physical -- but as an attention sucker, -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything less than who I truly am as life, as every single breath I take here.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a feeling of excitement towards wanting to post this-- as a perception judgment of myself i am trying to tinker with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything more than who I simply am as breath

I am thankful for myself to stop and see who I really am here

I am thankful for not allowing myself to be limited and defined according to a what I think

STOP - what was that????

2011-04-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

funnyhow i command stop outloud but the backchat wants to keep continuing.. obviously its not me. damn.. mind control does exist -- the automation in the mind is mind control, cuz its telling you how to behave. Lol everyone is fucking mind controlled, i find that funny because people are not aware of that and will have resistance trying to stop their thoughts, because it is not really them.

Anyway. Process is going great, and by great i mean GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR: ANYTHING OUTSIDE THE BREATH IS SEPARATION FROM SELF -- meaning you can only do what you can within the breath -- and what you do is physical, interacting with background noise, and system tools.

STOP DRAMATIZING RYAN

and when an emotional spring comes out connected to a thought/feeling (it is really fast) -- have to be like, stop, what was that? and i will resist going into its roots -=- but i take it easy with my self becuas i am the system itself and it takes time and principle to fully stop it.

Man stabs his Wife, then goes after his kids

2011-04-10T04:36:00.000-07:00

I just heard in the news, that a man 15 years into his marriage stabbed his wife multiple times, then went after his two kids. The wife died, I know one the kids is in the hospital in critical condition, I don't know what happened to the other one. The neighbors said, "he seemed like a nice man, he doesn't look like the person who would do that."

-- My reaction was, now the kids are going to blame themselves for it -- because kids will do that in abusive situations where the parents hurt them -- the kids will naturally think it is their fault. I mean, how could I possibly go through that -- my Dad killing my mom then trying to kill me? Wtf -- the impact on life is fucking insane.

I'm going to try and find the article -- and I am a bit scared since I am going to type, "man stabs wife" in the Google search.

-- Ok, a lot men have apparently stabbed their wives- - I'll have to get a specific key word off the TV News when it comes up again, for reference. Found it, http://www.kvue.com/news/Deadly-stabbing-in-New-Braunfels-119546674.html

So why the fuck am I talking about this? This is REAL shit going on that we are ALL responsible for. It is important to put myself in the shoes of every being -- that way what I establish will be best for all no matter what. It is important to bring these disturbances into awareness also -- to show that THIS IS YOU, to provide even more proof we need change.

Money is the foundation in which all suffer currently -- physically and/or mentally, so when we have the Equal Money System (www.equalmoney.org) -- Humanity will be the parents -- there will not just be "2" parents to take care of kids -- all of humanity will take care of the kids, because all are able to live on a foundation of life -- rather than survival -- so money will help others, it will support others as life.

The rehabilitation process for the kids would be most supportive in an equal money system, obviously.

I Have Your Divided Attention

2011-04-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

Back Chat The enemy within

2011-03-30T04:25:00.000-07:00

Video version of my last blog

2011-03-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

Vlog version of "Everyone has a price to pay– make sure that price is equal to life"

(The absurdity of defining kids to an idea instead of life)

Everyone has a price to pay– make sure that price is equal to life

2011-03-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

The desecration of life will continue to intensify everywhere until all people, and all things have the opportunity to live a respected life. Why? Firstly, look at the children in all areas of the world, they are our future, they are you, and you might be one of them one day, so it is important for all children to have a support foundation for when they come into this world, no matter where they are or who they are -- children are children. So If one child is starving because of nationality and money, then another child who is brought up with money will be placed into a method of survival -- to "fight against" that possibility, where without money and a family, they are worth nothing.

So to bring a child in this world, be aware that this world economic system, this "human system" we live in, is not "child friendly," -- The older generations -- the one's who have built, and founded society's laws and structures have made the world the way it is today, passing their beliefs down on to their children to continue the cycle; the sabotage life itself; marketing everything on the planet -- creating never-ending wars -- child abuse-- the sickness of nationality --child trafficking --- rape -- pollution -- murder -- poverty – the screams go on in a shrill pain you can't hear. We are oblivious to the obvious, we are not really here -- we exist in our own nationalities created in our own minds -- we exist in what we were taught, following up the same ritualistic massacres our forefathers went through.

The idea of money exists in the mind, the idea of nationality exists in the mind, and the abdication of universal equality and responsibility exists in the mind -- a made up delusion to where we think we are separate from the rest of the world because we have money, and are able to live a "separate," "normal" life -- and corporate sponsor ourselves as the U.S. "bringers of Freedom and Democracy," when that is obviously a crock of shit. I mean, how far from the brutal, self-honest truth can we get? The human mind's onslaughted conditioning through the years, the programming and mass manipulation -- fucked us in an imaginary world in our minds!!!

We are all responsible, and we are all accountable for what has happened, so we will face our own nature, and it's not pretty -- it won't be sold as a story, it won't be a call for love. Everyone has a price to pay for what has happened-- why we recommend that price being equal to life through the Equal Money system

http://www.equalmoney.org

The secret mind is "incredible" - short note

2011-03-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

The secret mind in plain view, proves no one is credible towards life, because all minds do not act in the best interest for all life. If you speak and share your secret mind, for example -- it will contain judgments about others -- and if others find out, they may not like you, you may not "get the job" -- so we keep it hidden or we lose our "credibility" - our falsified persona fueled by a nihilistic monetary system-- until we cannot take it anymore and go into emotional breakdown, all the secret shit has compounded and oozed out over time. The timeloop of the relationship repeats because no correction methods were taken to stop this within the source, the self, instead, it is projected onto others, like blame, or trying to entice that next personal experience to feed the secret mind's existence.

I found this very interesting because my secret mind is chaotic, and big, and elusive from the perspective of myself constantly deleting the shit that comes up, but I have to go do things now -- responsibility stuff. So I will write this out coming from my own personal experiences as the secret mind and why I stop thinking that shit is real, and try to correct it -- forgive myself and progress.

It is finitely possible to equate a system with life

2011-03-26T17:20:00.001-07:00

How is ownership what is best for all? To claim that one has something another person does not have? To set up theft? That is all it can possibly amount to in its limited tradition. It is separation just for the sake of separation. The Earth is available to all for free -- but man puts the price and makes up the idea of ownership. There will not be any possessions in an Equal Money System because all will possess everything, there will be no need to cling to just one possession-- that will look silly-- high technological advances in society will accumulate what is best for all, making 'everything' available. All children brought into this world, are promised no prices on their lives -- where the Equal Money System accepts all children as life -- all nature, all people, everything as life.

There will be no need to say, "I own something that you don't have." And when Society is benefiting itself, working as one, for the 'greater good,' then obviously the benefits are greater in the long run -- because there is no need to survive, compete, and feed off each other in a broken, vampiric money system. So how we develop ourselves will be in a new money system that assesses problems and solutions by using the equality equation (1+1=2). We can improve our relationship with the Earth, nature and each other right down to correcting the fuck-ups in the DNA.

It is not deluded in a 'positive,' 'utopia' concept, we have to understand that the sacrifices of luxury, and personal indulgences will be made as an act of forgiveness to all the children of the world who have nothing but a rotten future created by the generations before them.

I am not saying OWNERSHIP IS BAD -- because everything works like a tool, so when the idea of ownership is specifically to align a name with a product -- for a specific use, that is what it is used for -- it does not mean this product is not available to everyone equally the same. It's a system, systems are tools -- it's just that this particular system, will be based on unconditionally supporting life instead of abusing life.

It is finitely possible to develop a system where all faculties are availbale to all.

Positive Thinking Mutation Experiment Using Law of Attraction

2011-03-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Two Objects in Reason

2011-03-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

There are 2 separate objects in human reasoning, 1 is fiat currency,the other is weight and output -- something always determines value and it is never based on life. send your efforts to japan, send them everywhere else that needs help. it is not going to change much, we are corrupt from the start, designed to die and fail the coming generations... We NEED an equal money system to unconditionally support life as actual loving neighbors. And why do people, "send prayers/love," do they not trust in God's divine plan? as Matti Freeman pointed out. Money is the only thing that changes these things, why not base the value on life?

Absorbing my Troubles = Doubles my Struggles

2011-03-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

Smelling memories.. crazy brain

2011-03-01T06:30:00.001-08:00

I smell all these memories. I smell these experiences. It brings back so much – smelling creating this entire experience of total awkwardness, or I will like it – it will remind me of Christmas when I was a kid for example. Or it will remind me of everything foreign around me bringing a very fearful feeling about change, like a feeling of impending doom within what I see. And the feelings are very “thick,” they are resourceful through my mind within that dependency. For example, if fear is generated, it is a very powerful, vivid fear, and same for the polarity opposite.

It can bring back memories from when I was a kid, like certain experiences I had with certain people that created this mood – where I associated a smell to my mood and stored it into a memory through smell.

Sometimes I will really like, sometimes I will really dislike it. It feels like a drug. I usually have it all the time, but there are times it is more consistent and “thick” than other times.

It is so weird!!!

It reminds me of a drug, because it is like I enjoy taking in this chemical through smell that is making me feel a certain way – reacting in these hidden memories that make up these experiences of deep-like feelings.

The feelings are all deep like the memories themselves, specifically hard to describe – but emanate from generalized perceptions, like, depression or elation. Since they have made me feel certain ways, I have allowed it to direct myself – like fearing a shit load and having impending doom of death, I’ve wanted to hide or wanting death and sorts of shit that does not actually make any sense – but wanting to hide from people and the world.

And the good feelings, interestingly enough, come from when I was a kid and that sense of exploration took place (which is my favorite memory/smell in the world -- so amazing lol, I have related my music and melodies to this sense for some time) – but a lot of the time they remind me of video games I used to play where I involved myself into another world of wonder – and also back in the day with my friends.

The solution is to accept the smelling – but appreciate the air I breathe more and utilize that as a self-direction – rather then chemically seducing myself through memories and smell.

Demon Dream

2011-03-01T03:13:00.001-08:00

I was with my family (aunt, mom, dad, brother) at night on 6th street in Austin, which is a popular college party street, and my family and I decided to go into a bar to eat because we were hungry. We into the bar, and there was food every where – like the waiters did not clean off the table – but we didn’t care because we were hungry, so we started cleaning off the tables ourselves. Then, we lost track of someone in our family (I think it was my aunt), so we went through a back door to look for her– you think it would lead to the chef’s kitchen like any bar or restaurant, but it lead to a large, wide, dark cave – and there were rib cages, bones, and body parts everywhere. We started following the trail deeper into the cave, and we saw these drunk people in the cave organizing the body parts, they did not see us – they looked like monsters.

Then they noticed we were there, so I turned around and told my mom to get the hell out. My dad was a bit ahead, and I was yelling for him to come on to because the demons were starting to close in on us. My dad found my aunt, so we started running out – there was someone else around us and the demons got them and ripped them apart.

We escaped back out into the bar, but it wasn’t a bar anymore, it was giant orgy with people fucking. I was disgusted – and noticed my teeth were starting to fall out – I looked in the mirror and noticed I was growing a second pair of teeth and I looked exactly like the demons.

I think the dream was pretty accurate with the way things are right now.

Mother watching me

2011-02-28T09:43:00.001-08:00

My mom treats me like a kid. Always has. Watches everything I do. Worries about me nonstop. And I have reacted before in the past angrily when she would do these things – repeating herself – like she would always act one way around me, always asking me questions about my health and priorities, and always wanting to do things for me. This point came up just now because she watches my facebook – and I left a comment on one of Ann’s link about Meth – and immediately remembered she was going to see it – afraid that she would be assuming I am doing meth or hanging around people who are doing meth – when that is not the case at all – as I was just talking about an interaction that happened with my neighbor and what he told me related to meth. But I knooow she is going to assume the worst… and she is going to say something about and start worrying.

But I know the more specific, accurate, clear, and calm I go about explaining this to her, it does start to get through. So that is the solution, TO HAVE TRUST IN MYSELF TO REASSURE HER I CAN HANDLE MYSELF– because the way I have been raised by my mom helped generated lack of self-esteem through out my life to do things on my own without mom’s help. She doesn’t see it in that way though, she sees it as a “necessary of being a mother” a ‘reason’ to worry. It is good that I have come to terms with myself on this because now I am able to effectively address the point without irrational, emotional, personal distrubance that has time-looped before on this point, so I am able to correct it when it comes up – because I am writing self-honesty, so this is my self-forgiveness as well, as I write myself out. Self-forgiveness when writing a blog is done through writing because you cannot have self-honesty without self-forgiveness. So even though I am not writing the SF statements, I am still doing it – I find the SF statements to be most effective when I speak them out loud by myself to get myself corrected and aligned to a point in self honesty, rather then letting the point fester in my mind.

Personality as destruction of life: How and why? by Ryan Franklin

2011-02-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

To determine this, I have to ask what makes a personality? A personal observation, a collection of biases which form belief systems, self-definitions that are in fact extremely limited. Meaning, it does not exist as who you really are -- which is a universal composition of biological matter formed through interconnected relationships in the universe; the universe itself -- meaning we are capable of much more than condoning ourselves to an image of what our fallible society wants to see in order to control people to make money off their stereotypical personality systems -- or to control or manipulate them to conquer or convert the oppsoition into their personality, doctrine and law. Therefor it is not an eternal solution that will recognize the best in everybody; the pennacle of human development at it's fullest -- yet we've resorted to war, lasciviousness, poverty, hate, and love as a solution limited to only human emotions and not actuall support -- where money is proven stronger than love to support people.

It means we are capable of much "more" -- to support us for "more," we have to realize we have to support "more" than just our own personal spheres -- meaning we have to support entire humanity towards self-realization; meaning equal housing, equal water, equal food, and equal opportunity for all to have a dignified life. Otherwise we will fail and are unable to proceed copious as a species.

The Earth is 1 point in the universe that contains self-awareness -- meaning we are the universe trying to discover who we are -- WE CANNOT DO THIS WHEN WE ARE STIFLED AGAINST EACH OTHER -- IT HOLDS US BACK -- IT IS LIMITED.

So the point everyone needs to have a look at in how we can change the world - is through working in principle -- for it is acknowledgement that we all exist here -- and that our differences should be utilized to work together here-- rather than against each other in alternate perceptions and beliefs.

Principle is self-honesty, self-responsibility, and self-forgiveness to remove the self-imposed limitations for a better working world in equality.

Personality is not life

2011-02-27T21:58:00.001-08:00

Recently I wrote a blog entitled "Destonians are not my friends or enemies" -- What I said was true -- I found that the way I went about writing it had a personality element in it related to victimization and judgment, represented in spiting humanity and using cuss words to imply my frustration with humanity and myself. I found this totally unacceptable, and had a fear of being spited or being looked at as an abuser or bullshitter, because what I said was extreme, was pretty brutal -- even though true objectively, the personality element of 'taking things personally' was still existent within my words, and I was not one and equal to self-responsibility -- yet portrayed myself as a "victimized equal." The personality element existed as a relationship I had towards myself within Desteni -- which is actually not real -- and tacitly hypocritical for me to talk about personality when I am actually existing as personality through my words in which i wrote.

YES PERSONALITY IS ABUSE -- I made that clear in the blog. Why? because it is a biased account in personal observation, and not the actual reality in fact -- not the actual being who accepts and allows all that currently exists -- instead I utilized my reactions as personality and created a victimized portrayal of what I see in the world according to how personality has fucked the world.

Personality is a system, a stereotype, a self-definition, limited, and dominated by belief systems which are not the actual reality -- not SELF-HONESTY -- which is looking at what one has accepted and allowed in their reality -- and how they exist in their reality -- where the obvious solution is to stop that way we have been existing according to not taking responsibility for this world and ourselves as an equal contributor -- this is how we will change the world -- BY PRINCIPLE -- where opinions will not seperate us into wars, but common sense and 1 objective role for objective, world improvement exists as common ground we all stand on.

in the field in less than a year

2011-02-27T21:48:00.001-08:00

I find this field fascinating because I’m learning about how network connections are configured, how medical devices work, equipping myself with skillsets that will benefit me and others around me – so I can be financially stable to help implement a world system that will be BEST FOR ALL. So when my teacher said it would be less than a year – I was surprised and excited because I still had this “ 2year mindset” from when I first started. It’s crazy, I’ve been here for almost a year – it seems like yesterday when I first arrived here, LOL – “everything exists here.”

Many points come up related to "what if I do not learn enough” / “what if I only do enough to get by and end up fucking myself because I did not actually learn the material effectively.” Many points have existed inside me related to doing things at the last second, but I have found the more I am enjoying what I am learning, makes it an actual self-involved learning process, rather then seeing school as an obligation like I had before through out my life. I have been getting better with this point, facing my school duties head on and not delaying. The first 2 semesters were brutal with fear because I procrastinated and missed classes – so it was really scary – that point I chose not to allow to exist anymore for I did not want to experience such fear within myself again. But I had molded it to “less procrastination” – and not removed the point completely. With this dilligence that I am adapting to within myself, I expect and understand fully that I will remove these points inevitably, I will ‘have to’ remove these points when I get into the workforce – and also for when I show employers my school conduct – it shows that I did not skip school – or received just a GPA that was minimum to get by – but that I was actually “on time” and responsible with my priorities and ability to learn new things and apply them.

Still many points of intimidation exist – an example is that I have an X-Ray lab tomorrow – it will be the first time I will actually start working with the X-ray physically, and not through theory – so I have fear related to the schematics – do I fully understand the schematics? This fear is also related to 2 missing homework assignments I did not complete at the beginning of the semester – which have embedded this consistent fear of “having a whole,” and furthering my idea of “doing just enough to get by.”

I have understand fully that my emotional occurences, and personal life style has been banal – meaning, has never improved me – but kept me in a state of “applying to crappy jobs,” and remaining in this constant codependency with my parents, without improving myself through an education. They are irrelevant and only detrimental to my success.

So time to improve and not allow this bullshit procrastination to exist within me anymore – no exucse, no justifications, no reasons to allow procrastination, and lack of self-confidence in applying the material and getting the work done to exist! NO EXCUSES

Destonians are not my friends

2011-02-27T08:16:00.001-08:00

We’re all programs, it was the conditional stereotypes that ever allowed me to be close to anyone, like family – that bond was ‘placed there’ from the beginning, it was designed to be conditional from the start, i.e. “family” – that group of people who did not let me fucking starve to death while other people go out and have their fucking friend-orgies doing whatever self-indulgent bullshit they want. Starting fucking wars, judging and killing each other – making opinions about shit when they don’t even know what life really is – /cmd life?

We were brought together by common sense, not one of us “gained friends” through the common ways of gaining friends; like being in the same area, having similar interests of opinion, charisma, all that shit that is conditional to build friendships through personality; a fucked way to accept or kill others, to not consider equality. I do not know these people through my “own will”, which was personality, I know these people by recognizing the principle Desteni stands for which is oneness and equality, the proof that a better world can actually exist with responsible human beings who actually care for life.

So we came together by principle, not bullshit personality and its fucked up implications as described above – so pretending I magically achieved all these connections on my “own” is a lie. Believing my personality created all these “bonds” because I am “likeable” apart of Desteni. Pretending I am popular, funny, charismatic is bullshit. Where if you have a bias towards someone you treat them a certain way according to personality – and you then treat the rest differently, and also judge yourself in comparison. That is not equality.

Desteni is going to keep doing what they’re doing because it is for the best of mankind, without personality.

first time dancing

2011-02-27T06:12:00.001-08:00

Dancing has been an extreme fear of mine – to where I never allowed myself to do it because of extreme insecurity when I would move my body. Constantly thinking about being on metronome and “looking cool,” or looking like an idiot, those types of self definitions.

After I had the video uploaded I immediately went into the thoughts of others judging me. I then stopped – reverted myself back to my initial starting point of making the video and continued to forgive myself for any behavior that would ‘lead me’ away from that starting point of ‘being here’, proving to myself desires and fears is irrelevant and nonexistant to what I was actually doing.

It was difficult for me to do that video – because my thoughts at times were not aligned with my body, and I had a hidden fear – those hidden judgments that still existed within what I had allowed. And since I never danced before, I had many points come up of “what to do next,” – but I then stopped it, and allowed my body to ‘flow’ within the music as my natural expression, proving to myself that thoughts are not needed for physical direction and expression.

I still have self-forgiveness points to apply related to my entire life within these points of accepted and allowed brainwashing and self-limitation.

I've got spurs that jangle

2011-02-27T05:21:00.000-08:00

BeLIEving I have “Bad Luck”– and stopping it.

2011-02-26T06:21:00.001-08:00

Through out my life I have tended to see certain situations I am in, and create certain expectations about the future in relation to an outside force working against me – always an obstacle there to keep me from fully attaining what I work for. Like telling myself (this point inside me of bad luck), “i never get anything, i never achieve anything, it never works out for me, it’s gonna fail, I always fail, somehow someway…” Creating these beliefs because these things have happened before – so I see these experiences of "bad luck" that were in the past as “proof" of inevitable failure / bad luck, as "proof" "bad luck" exists. Generally related to the fear of loss, and fear of death paradigm.

A bit ironic on this subject, when looking at everything in this world -- the fight for survival – it does seem like everything is ‘against me.’ The self-accountability of the fucked up shit going on – It is apart of me and reflects back at me, comes around back at me – but from the point of where I create this judgment on to myself of “bad luck,” and applying failure and ideas of loss in my head has actually nothing to do with the actual reality. That reality is just the system itself – and it operates in a broken economy, an abusive system where life is sucked dry and taken for granted, and there is no equality for all people, there is no freedom for all life to live in dignity – so of course things are going to come back around and bite me so that I realize that I am responsible for this world as a self-honest individual and therefor I will take responsibility to change it.

But taking it personally – and believing I am going to fail is a major point within me related to “not obtaining what I want to obtain fully in time = fear of death.” Specifically believing I will lose everything I’ve been working for right before I am about to obtain it – like the “highest form of loss.” Mainly, an example that has been running in my mind on this point, is the fear of the economy collapsing before I agraduate and all that work and time spent was for nothing – it’s just a belief, a personality, and has no actual, real perception of life and the reality as a self-honest individual HERE in reality – but rather thinking about “what could be, what if” – based on fears or desires – when breath is here every moment – and is the only real in-part and out. And to elaborate-- who would I be if my worst fear came alive? The point is to remain here in breath, here in self no MATTER WHAT.

The solution? I will forgive myself on this point of forcing an idea, to remove these chains I place on myself. It is inevitable to forgive myself because I understand that it is unacceptable to exist in this way of unchanging fear – to exist in a way of stagnation that only creates a lie to keep me from breaking the chains of self-enslavement. The effects are accumulation, meaning, a belief turns into a belief system, and from so on so forth, knowledge accumulates – and thus more reasons are created to justify my own limitations, never knowing I ama actually here because I am too preoccupied with the ‘next step,’ the ‘future’, the worry, the expectation of failure, or superstition.

Self-forgiveness is about taking self-responsibility for what I create, individually and globally, and therefor must stop the unnecessary bullshit, the shit I generate in fear and in desire that keeps me from actually being here, directing myself, and taking self-responsibility here for real. Because that is how we are going to change this world – self-responsibility, equality, self-forgiveness, and self-honesty; it externalizes physically as the equal money system; www.equalmoney.org

Someone insulted me… judging my DNA

2011-02-24T23:18:00.001-08:00

I get many brainless insults, but this one I got just now was with someone who said I had shitty teeth, and I need a housekeeper. I laughed at the housekeeper part, but I took minor offense to my teeth because I have always been self-conscious about my teeth because they are not pretty white, and need work due to bad teeth DNA from my mother and lack of dilligent tooth care through out my life. My front teeth are grinding off due to an underbite, and makes it harder to talk as well, and pronounce certain words.

I blocked him of course – but I had a reaction silently inside my mind towards the person saying, “get the fuck out of here,” as I blocked them, then I continued to think about many reasons to hate the human race and go into pessissism, failure – like, “oh we will never change, we are fucked,” – But I immediately realized I am not part of the solution by participating in these thoughts, I am insisting on the problem by judging myself and judging others missing what is here.

My physical appearance insulted is like one of those insults I hated the most in the past – since growing up. Like it attacks my charisma, popularity, and sex appeal – where I had thought about what others think of me my entire life – proving that the human is only a product of their environment. Always wondering if certain people will like me because of my DNA.

Judging myself by my DNA is a FUCK UP – like wanting to be the alpha male – because we all come from the same source, best not to think I am better or worse than anyone else, but that I am a reflection of everyone else – equally.

Life, not despair

2011-02-24T22:11:00.001-08:00

I experience despair towards myself.. I feel total loss, unworthiness, fear related to knowledge of humanity. Our future seems obvious, everything is going to get a lot worse for everything. I want to blame the human race. I have not even gotten rid of the LIES within myself. Feel good! Feel bad – we’re still fucked because all are not treated equally with a dignified life – karmas a bitch. And these feelings, they’re not even real, try to grasp that.

I support an equal money system because it is the only, obvious, commonsensical way to better the world. I often found myself many times wanting to look away from what everyone is doing in Desteni, like my secrets, and problems take over me and put me in my isolated place forever. Rationalizing victimization, the fear of dying alone, regret of never experiencing self-intimacy and intimacy with another for real… not the fucking LIES I make up in my head.

I’m not going to walk away from what we’re doing.. I have to forgive myself because that is the first step to changing things for real, otherwise I will be in my mind, irrationally emotional – I’ve experience this many times. Desire, fear, wanting to be accepted, have friends, have a partner – but there is no consideration with all – so I have contradicted myself – leading to my internal demise – that is constantly regenerated by this money system until it inevitably reaches it’s demise as well.

There is nothing to do here, and I am mostly by myself in this room when not in school, on the computer. I have been on the computer days at a time before in this room. Playing a video game so to keep my “fun level” regulated, and to help depression stop. I have a good arrangement with family support for what I’m doing here. School is going great, I enjoy learning what I’m doing. So, that’s it, I am here… will not try to think about the future, or the past – start practicing self-forgiveness more and just push through these singular resistances. Push through the school process. Demoralized expectations of the future can only be a hindrance from seeing what is actually here, thus missing out on life.

I am able to recognize what is unacceptable within me, I am able to stop it. But it comes back, and I go through it again, and again.

I have put myself in the desire to collapse, give up due to physical depression that has accumulated. But I always have gotten myself back up and started on a new page due to money and will power.

I experience much regret from posting vlog/blog, because it seems that I know that I am not supporting myself like I should, but rather manipulate the situation to get attention from others – so I delete – as it was not so clear when I was writing it, looking back, I see the points of manipulation and abuse I allow to exist in my writing and actions for equality – which only prolong the equality process for all life. And I had not wanted others to see me in such a personality – as I find existing in personality extremely uncomfortable.

So I stretched it – I decided I was not going to engage in personality – or repeat the same things over and over, so I chose to do something fun and creative through a Vlog. Where I did not worry about how I looked to others, because I was simply expressing myself without regret, and that’s how I was able to keep the improvisation videos online and not delete them, because I was just being myself, and not trying to be some fucking image I want to promote. The only image to promote that is valid is equality, because it implies self honesty, one and equal.

School, equality, gender and politics

2011-02-17T19:11:00.001-08:00

I enjoy what I learn in school. It is technical; learning how something works. I use my hands, not just memorize concepts. It’s interesting to look at all the parts of something and wanting to know exactly what they’re there for, because the knowledge is valuable, I’m paying to learn a skill, I teach myself, I figure out new ways to solve problems until I get certified. The machine is me; I am understanding the machine, the parts, the network, everything as myself – piecing things together and equating it to who I am, what I accept, and what I will NOT allow in my reality – self abuse; any abuse towards life, and there is a lot of that everywhere, within this current monetary system. I do not accept the state of reality to continue as the reflection of the human mind, so I will utilize the equality equation, 1+1=2 to help bring about a new world in self-honesty, and equality for all life.

Money relates to life in a poor way --- we have to change this money system in order to fix things for an equal world, nothing is going to get better until all have a dignified life.

Any education is great, it is force in the world equality movement, self support, and there are key roles for what will be best for all to establish the equal money system. If anyone is considering education, from my personal experience I recommend technical school because it’s what I am using, hands on, practical, useful skill-learning.

About education and improving the world-- women should be the political leaders, the men have not been working through out time – not saying women are better than men– I’m saying women are more capable to establish peace; establishing equality politically.

I am also saying we are not defined by our gender, so when one stands for equality and self-honesty in-fact, gender will not factor for a better world.

Males in leadership tend to want to be some king, or something – consistently though out history using ego, violence, dick size (like what a missile looks like) , and greed to control others. That’s what I’ve conducted consistently in human existence through my understanding; ABUSE of life.

The main point is to understand that ONENESS is DECEPTION without EQUALITY. So ANYONE in power who does not understand this only causes misery for others, no matter the gender.

Equality for all

2011-02-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

Profit on the Path of the Psyche

2011-02-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

Classical music assisting me

2011-02-03T11:02:00.001-08:00

I started playing classical music when I study, taking in all that information, forming it in my mind to how it works. The music helps me focus on taking on those big points with me. The music is not, “hey hey listen to me,” it is like a background melody that calmly keeps me in rhythm to my task at hand, and somehow helps learning. I

I noticed when I procrastinate I have a fear of committing myself to learning the material because it seems so vast and concerning and that I would start to doubt myself if I chose the right thing, or if I am just not going to do it all and give up, but once I start doing it and get shit done I feel more incorporated to what I’m doing here without the “you fucked up again wasting your life” feeling. Not allowing that point of wanting to give up.self honesty http://www.desteni.co.za

Self writing = internal organization

2011-01-16T23:30:00.001-08:00

Not living = not directing myself. Not living = being directed according to energy, rather than me stopping the acceptances of being contolled and self-manipulated by energy. Not living = not focus on breathing but rather repeating a process of going into a timeloop and with the certainty that I will fall again. That I will compromise myself again. Timeloop = not eating and drinking effectively. Giving up. Emotional reactions, emotional relationship attachments which is constant justification to be catalyst in furthering myself in a timeloop, thus being controlled by energy and not living. Thus, seeking escapes to acquire specific energy to not walk my life in self direction but rather fuel and participate in the self-definition to the organically structured robotic, machine-mind. A mind that shows me who I am in every moment and yet I allow myself to participate in it’s mechanics of seperation, thus, not taking responsibility until I do, thus a timeloop, a repeat of separation and abuse because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Establishing that understanding that I do not need to take responsibility, it is the ‘natural’ process to constantly judge myself according to being good or being bad, thus, not seeing the problem in fact, and continue to justify and judge myself in this way to participate in an escape from myself. Thus, reaching my destination of self-defeat, or rock bottom within what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Engaging in tasks that are not apart of my self-direction in self-honesty process, but tasks that create my existence as the mind more extensive, participating in emotional reactions and definitions, fighting myself with energy, compromising myself to effectively see clearly what I accept and allow in my reality and who I am within others in my reality.

Thus, always being a slave to myself. Never standing up, but yet compromising myself in fear – in energy self-definitions, such as laziness and fear. Where the my self-creation; who I am right now, exists not in the form of me walking my self-honesty process as life, as walking as who I really am which is not the mind, but to exist in a preprogrammed layout because of such constant abuse through out my life within my acts where the only solution will be through self-honesty in all I do – primarily how I walk; the action I take, because the actions are apart of the physical reality in how I have molded myself according to a preprogrammed layout in ‘how I’ve always done things.’

I’ve used writing as an excuse – another escape, where I would write myself out in as much detail as I could in self-honesty, but I would not act – because I would be brought back into the subtle events in the mind and activities, I would forget, I would postpone, I would hide in secret, I would not be able to realize what I am actually allowing in my reality because of the separation, the blame on to other things that affected me, instead of me directing me in self-honesty no matter what. Postponing my self-honesty, my process, ‘waiting’ to stand up again only ‘after I do this thing’ – creating a belief that I can be self honest later, and I would believe what I would tell myself, then contradict myself later in my actions where my words spoken to myself could not even be trusted because I did not live what I said, and merely made an excuse to pretend to be ‘saved in self-honesty’ for later. Or a belief that it is ‘too much’ and I have to not allow myself to take responsibility, but yet give into my reactions as who I am in order to fulfill myself. Creating that self-dishonesty, where I would no be able to direct myself because I cannot trust myself. All reactions I have allowed myself through my actions in not take responsibility NOW, and not wait for later when ‘I am satisfied/comfortable/rested’ to move on.

So in recognizing that I have created myself through my actions, it requires the actions I take to PROVE to myself that I am living my words. Thus, the timeloops in my words, in discussing the same things over and over again without actually directing myself to change myself from being this preprogrammed way.

My major resistance is doing things that I do not feel like doing. This is then fully justified, since I do not want to do it, even though I know there is no choice and it is apart of my responsibility, I do not do it, but rather go into a comfort zone in order to ‘do what I FEEL like doing.’ Fearing the responsibility of FACING MYSELF and the world. Thus, I procrastinate until my responsibilities build up and bite me in the ass – furthering myself in to deception, timeloops, and energy defintions and beliefs within the mind. Wanting to escape = implying staying online, or the belief of “I need to write myself out otherwise I am not going to be clear for my tasks” when that is only an attempt to create a comfort zone about what I have allowed and what I need to do. IT IS IN MY ACTIONS, not my words at this moment, it is my actions in which I stand here and walk my life in self-direction and self-responsibility in self-honesty – regardless of what I feel, for what I feel has controlled me in a set-up, preprogrammed way of failure – where self-forgiveness must be applied in the moment energy takes control over and wants to direct my life – so I do not allow this and push through the energy defintions I have created, directing myself in SELF-HONESTY, not energy, self-deception through hiding into a comfort zone and fear facing the day, and fear being without another.

Why is Most of Earth's Population Ignorant

2011-01-15T03:06:00.000-08:00

Blueberries - Ryan Franklin Electronica

2011-01-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

Madness, apathy, energy, & every breath

2011-01-11T18:51:00.001-08:00

Guilt inside me, that I fucked everyone in existence. That sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. And looking at myself be in fear, and not directing myself, creates fear and apathy in myself. I wish it would stop, but that wish is a death wish, as nothing will get done when praying or hoping, more will suffer, more are dying, because of inaction, because of our inaction for world equality and respect for all life. I cry, and the act of crying releases a pressure through my eyes from what I’ve witnessed, then it starts back up again.

I know that my “suffering” is invalid as others suffer beyond what I could ever conceive – so I must forgive myself for ever allowing my own vanity to be more important than others. So I can stand up for others and stop the way we exist in atrocity towards life.

I had not liked the fact I had made enemies – where these enemies simply hate Americans, or hate how I have money at this point in time where I am not suffering, or hate me because I blocked them from my life because they do not support Equality for All and the Equal Money System. I had always gone about it the ‘wrong way,’ blaming, spiting others, blaming beliefs, blaming ‘the masses,’ blaming our society – yes, they are to blame as not one person is innocent except for the children and nature, but I am just as guilty, and to exert blame or point my finger at an idea, is no different, and there is no solution because I am not taking responsibility for myself AS this world.

In the chamber in my mind pops up constant irrelevant thoughts. Thoughts that are horrible to myself. Useless in their nature, existing only to fondle me in useless expenditures, activities, and analyses. Judgments on others – like I even made a fucking game yesterday in expense of my boredom, to “count obese people,” because I found myself better than obese people in that moment so I felt irritated that there were so many, and created a thought to satisfy my apparent superiority by counting them in a game. Then I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?!?! I’M BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE IN MY SECRET MIND, WHAT SOLUTION IS THIS FOR THE BETTERMENT OF ALL PEOPLE?? FOR OUR WORLD??”

I mean, to even have something so ridiculous come up and be validated for participation indicates a major problem within me. To a lesser and greater extent – my thoughts will have this ridiculousness, this uselessness always in that range.

How could I not be clear within myself? How could I allow myself to be confused about who I am and what I am doing – purely for allowing myself to justify not taking responsibility for what must be done in my life? That allowed myself to be created this way, a way that is feeble minded, judgmental, silly, haughty, and self-destructive.

Where alone I sit and wonder how fucked I am. Knowing I am fucked, creating so much fear in being alone, creating so much fear in taking responsibility for myself. Now that this comes pouring out, regardless of how specific I am able to be in practice, I feel – apart from crying, that I am feeling clearer – but I have known for a fact that it will take the use of days through practice over and over to get myself living my words, and living my process for birthing life from the physical.

I’m not going to instantly, completely change in 1 moment – it will take practice, and importantly, dedication to practicing “bettering myself” DAY by DAY, breath by breath. But not from the point of “wanting to get there,” or “wanting to become better already,” or to judge myself in this way, just to see the common sense in practical, effective, day to day, breath to breath, living in SELF-HONESTY.

Going back a couple weeks from now, wow, how I saw the ineptitude of my process spew out towards others and defecate myslef in no control – no control over my reactions and what was happening. That should be enough for anybody, to see that when you have no control over yourself, and what’s happening to others around you, to stop immediately and begin the self-change application.

To see myself spite, be jealous, desire for dissociation in these moments I live and breathe, is a wake up call for myself- - saying, “hey this is not the way to go – I’m fucking myself, and I’m allowing it arrogantly in my own vanity in a belief of dignity.”

The inability to control my sexual urges has been a difficult task with my possession of money to live here not in the extremities of harsh world without money. It is this immediate feeling of wanting relief, gratification, to sustain myself as a mind consciousness system. Where I have decided a long time ago that I would continue masturbating in the way I do, furthering me into my mind, an imaginary fantasy in which all my interactions are subtly, inconceivably based upon. I do it once a day to sustain myself this way, otherwise if I don’t masturbate to pictures, I will lose a reason to get up in the morning because the frustration is so heavily engrained. The excuse to do it has been apart of my daily life. And the never ending question of, “how do I not suppress myself sexually?” is never answered. The idea of the breath orgasm has been the answer in my knowledge, but I have never been able to use it to sustain myself, use it to satisfy my thirst for sexual pictures. It can’t give me what I want, and because it cannot give me what I want, I cannot achieve the orgasm I have integrated myself to need on a daily bases. The answer is obvious; practice and have patience, have discipline, and importantly, understand why I will choose to use the breath orgasm rather than abusive masturbation. The effects of picture-masturbation is like I said, furthering me more into my mind – and only hurting myself more into an imaginary perception of reality. This is why I need to STOP, and discipline myself to stop this way of expressing a parasitic form of sexuality. It shows my weakness, it represents my weakness, and it cannot be hidden from anybody – my application shows in my life. The weakness exists as my inability to ever stop it, yet I have another chance again to stop – to stop the weakness. And exists in the back of my mind is, “I will never be fixed until I finally do have sex,” this lie, this forever-waiting game for my idea of my “true love” rips apart myself day by day as the delusion takes me farther into the desire. Yes, having real, physical sex will help – but at this moment, I only see it as a desirable goal, like a savior, “the only thing that’s gonna save me from my shitty sexuality.” So I masturbate in pretending to have another, to fill that void for a brief moment – justifying in pleasure to continue being this way; never able to be filled. The question I ask myself is, “what is going to stop this?” That question in itself, according to what I understand, is the expectation for gratification to change me, to stop this way I’ve been participating, instead of stopping myself. And in the days I am here in school, the pressure of my responsibilities leads me to masturbate more, to feel a brief escape, or release in tension so I can get up in the morning to continue on – ALL of this shows me how fucked I am, it is an elaboration of how I mentioned myself looking at how fucked I am. So to conclude on the sexuality point, I will start using the breath orgasm to somewhat satisfy my programmed sexual needs -- for I feel that is the only way I am going to stop this desire for good, and to prove that I am competent within myself to be alone, and be stable NO MATTER WHAT.

On to the next point, if not all points, energy – to generalize it. ENERGY. Specifically, the consumption of sugar, caffeine, cigarettes, and money. Oh man, energy controls me like you wouldn’t conceive. In moments in time, I will feel a SHARP, instant, immediate, lazy, negative feeling that is really shitty to experience. CONTROLLING MY THOUGHTS, CONTROLLING HOW I SEE. Controlling what I do. Oh what a hopeless experience. But let’s not get emotional, or self-judgmental about the experience, let’s look at how I allow it to exist, and how I can effectively stop myself to be controlled in this way in energy. It COMES FROM A THOUGHT – the thought initiates the experience – the thought can be described in many ways, but it has 1 purpose, to make me feel like I shouldn’t do anything, or to make me believe that I am “lost,” unable to do anything about myself. This constant preprogramming, this outflow of a debilitating lifeless force, this perfection of no control, this constant way to never know who I really am, what exactly I create inside myself because of the inability to see it clearly, only to see the solution and problem according to energy. This puppetmaster above my head, pulling the strings, where the puppetmaster is elusive identification because it is ME, and therefor I cannot recognize the control I actually give to these energies, and who I am within it – instead I fall victim to myself.

Defining everything to what I experience, to what I take in, then initiating more thoughts of control like this on to myself – where it never ends, where the thoughts feed off one another, the judgments feed off my inability to support myself.

And all along, where is my body in this?

I cannot even begin to describe to anybody how extensive this control is that comes over me and where I am completely fucked; laying in bed for hours awake, fearing my responsibilities within the day, wanting night to come so I can remain in my comfort, my own freedom – hidden and lost from what I can or can’t actually accomplish.

On to something else. I want rewards, like I am looking down a tunnel, and there is my reward, within everything I do. I just have to stop. And make sure I am consistent within this practice, consistent within applying self forgiveness on what I have allowed myself to participate in the heaviest of moments in my life. Because when I take care of my responsibilities through a dilligent application, I will be certain to continue on. ….. That is a funny sentence, which brings up my next point.

“All for nothing,” and “quit while you’re ahead.” Resembles this common point within me; giving up when I have to start over because “I lost everything I did.”

So self forgiveness, self forgiveness, self forgiveness; and self-corrective application, which is the ALL TIME PART – it exists all the time to do – where self forgiveness seems like it only exists in certain moments in which I have to initiate to start on it to diminish a mind-point, but really it’s all the same thing.

What I am certain about

2011-01-09T17:34:00.001-08:00

In my inner experience, if I am experiencing discomfort, or lack of self-direction, or emotional / feeling disturbances, anything that I allow to compromise myself for whatever reason, I then know for a fact I have chosen not to correct myself, thus allowing my problems to continue, allowing them to take control over me, believing I cannot stand up for myself– in this, obviously I am certain that I have not corrected myself.

Instead I want the situation to correct itself, to do it for me, to change me, instead of me changing myself. So I exert my anger, or frustration on to the outer reality, on the things, on to people, on to situations rather then me correcting and stopping this continuation of abuse.

It is very simple, if I remain in, and create a constant state of agony and emotional irritations, I have not stopped and applied self-forgiveness on those points and I have not actually lived my correction. It is simple, stop, forgive yourself for accepting yourself less than who you really are as life, then prove it to yourself. Clear yourself up with self-forgiveness and take responsibility for your world so that all may live a life a peace and dignity in equality.

Fast emotional reactions– offense

2011-01-09T17:26:00.001-08:00

I tend to react extremely fast to people and events – and it is always an emotional effect. If someone says something I strongly disagree with, I immediately will go into a reaction and create this spite, and this warrior-like confrontation to correct this. Why is this a problem? Because I will not see clearly what is actually happening and therefor I will not assess the situation clearly, I will not address the situation clearly, I will not speak effectively because it then only turns into a battle of win or lose, and the actual content of the situation is just taken advantage for “me to win” and beat the other person in an argument. I will miss the details, the specifics of what we actually have created – and will not bring the details up, instead I will try and bring my biased persuasion to convert the situation or person’s beliefs to my liking so I can win. I will take it personally, and then cloud myself with emotional wants and dislikes – thus creating unnecessary consequences I will have to walk through. Like I will get offended, or feel threatened and then project these emotional charges on the situation where I will only fuel the problem further because of the belief of “I am fixing the problem,” or, “this is the only way to handle the situation.”

So when it comes up, it is simple, I immediately stop all I am thinking about, the reasons, excuses, beliefs, desires to correct the situation. That way I am clear in how to effectively deal with the situation. I mean, it is very simple – not to be persuaded by lesser concerns such as emotional defiance, or personal conviction – it is not even relevant, the situation to address and align with what is best for all is relevant – it is the tool in correcting our existence.

School starting tomorrow

2011-01-09T16:57:00.001-08:00

I'm going to be so busy this semester with all the classes I have, and looking for a job too. I've resisted this point because I fear I will have problems again with laziness and procrastination -- not wanting to do things I am supposed to do / fear of all the tasks I have to do. I do not believe this or accept this -- it's just how I've handled things like this before, so I have this fear or sadness in me related to believing it will be too much. Especially the point of preparation and organization, making sure everything is in-line to walk through.

I'm so fucked in my mind. It is like I can't do anything to liberate myself from my mental cage, because I have always participated in it. I had been unable to stop masturbating to pictures, and when I was back home I needed marijuana to 'boost' myself into this creative sanctum in my head so I could feel this freedom feeling that was elevating and opened up many things I haven't thought of before. Where without weed I had remained redundant, and needed it - or used an excuse - to use marijuana to 'open doors' for me. The good side of that, was that my experience on marijuana was not real -- so ... hm... "it is possible for me to achieve that openness without it." Thankfully I stopped because I am looking for a job and I not have access to it.

Then there is the consistent point of wanting validation from others to 'not be alone.' Feeling depression of aloneness and the feeling / belief of "no one wants me," that point of wanting to achieve this fantasy, and security of having another by my side, related to women.

Back to the point of preparation -- for example my room is a mess, and it needs cleaning one way or the other, and I know I will do it, but i do not want to do it -- so i put it off until I finally decide in my 'freedom' that i am going to clean it. Same with looking for a job, I've sent off 1 application, then I start to fear that I will not get one because I am not going to send more out, which is ridiculous and anti-common-sense to justify shit.

Primarily I say that I am fucked in my mind because I am totally controlled by energy, by feelings, by stimulations. The scariest 1 is the laziness and oversleeping, it is like being paralyzed in fear to get up and take responsibility.

Ok so enough with talking about my problems because it is just like I go back and try to figure out what I’m doing and why, when I already know that. So the feeling of being unprepared – school is starting and I am afraid I will be unprepared with money or responsibility – and that it is going to ninja me in the face – it is going to be too much and get ahead of me. This is all UNNECESARY, yet I keep talking about it, when I already know what I have to do – so it is like I am trying to ‘speak to others’ when I need to slow down and start speaking to myself and stop trying to project myself a certain way – especially in like this way of ‘feeling sorry, or helpless, or sad’ it is bullshit – I do not need to make myself believe I need to participate in this.

then a point of jealousy comes up in relation to “I am not as clear as others,” and that I will fall down, and that I am less than, so then I direct my attention on to what others doing and compare myself to them, judging myself. Commencing this fear of not wanting to expose myself because others will see that I am “useless,” or “not cool” or “who cares about him.” That is only what I create and no one has anything to do with my process, it is only me here, and I have to do everything for myself – I create everything I go through and experience – I am responsible for what I do in this life, in this process in school.

But shit I was so afraid because I kept fucking myself over and over with laziness, weed, masturbation, entertainment, oversleeping, engaging in the mind, “forgetting” about process to achieve this feeling of freedom. I did not want to blog or vlog because I knew I was not doing anything to change my situation, I wanted to remain in that, I wanted to do the things I was doing so I could “feel high.” All based on the belief of, “I can just come back to process when I am done indulging with my freedom feelings.” Which I found the product of accumulation only makes it harder to “come back” after creating myself in such ways in the mind.

And I wanted to “come back to process” because I had this knowledge that if I don’t stand now then im going to be really fucked in the future because I built myself into a lie – and now im going to crash down – as opposed to living every breath here, there wouldn’t be any regrets for when I face my death because I did what I could, and I did what I thought was best for all to the best of my ability….

And it is knowing this, because I had emotional reactions, the way I was participating was fucked – the way I have participated with people, with my responsibilities, with my world – all fucked in what I exist in to the mind – always falling prey to what ever emotion took control over me, where I had no control – and still do not have control.

Procrastination is in even proven within my decision to write, because now I have major responsibilities that are coming up – so suddenly I start writing again and getting serious because of the fear of failure – fear of continuing existing this way in my mind. One of the worst parts about existing this way, is the lack of common sense – without common sense I will focus, think about, and try to figure out a point that was invalid to self-honesty in the first place – confirming the extensiveness of the brainwashing.

So I do not it’s how I work self-forgiveness. Am I actually using it to support myself no matter who time it is, or am I just saying it here at a time “I decide to” in order to “feel better / more clear about my situation.” I mean, the question here is, how am I going to get myself stable ‘again,’ like apart of my self in this living process and stop the compounding, acceptance of continuous brainwashing.

In order to know this, I ask myself, what enables brainwashing? What things do I do within my life that increase my chance of failure? That increase my chances of… not directing myself (is there a word for not directing, anyone know? incompetence maybe?) What are the elements I participate in which I allow to keep myself not stopping my brainwashing? EMOTIONS: Fear is an emotion, somewhat deep embedded instinctual reaction. Like laziness, creating myself weak and not able to not stop the laziness. Self judgment is making irrelevant things relevant, observing myself to correct myself a certain way, particularly a way that will give me instant gratification.

Really, it’s all simple to take care of my business. Just do what I know I need to do, because what I need to do I know is what will be best for me in the entire long run of my life. So get past how I feel about things related to wanting to not face these points, and simply put the time required in for me to take care of my responsibilities and move on to the next step.

Who I am

2011-01-08T23:57:00.001-08:00

I haven't wrote because i have been scared to face myself. every second that goes by i rely on something to make me feel a certain way. I try to ignore reasons to write based on how I feel – like laziness – or believing I cannot write.

The common point is the confusion – the “too many things going on at once, no direction on how to sort myself out, or, every direction I take is not a real direction.”

and then comes not knowing what to say for myself. it’s just a lot of thinking, and trying to analyze, introspection, and figure things out. I can talk about what happened in the events in my life that led me here, or I can only talk about my inner experience, I do not really get it – it’s like that with my vlogs; I will have vlogs speaking about things going on ‘outside of me’ – or I will speak about my inner experience, it is like 2 different things – even to the point of having 2 different youtube channels for those things.

I am certain that I get overwhelmed / or preoccupied with ‘my mind’ and entertainment, that it’s where I am ---- I do not have a real direction on this point – I think I am just saying, that I …. tend to ‘not get it.’ get lost and confused.

I have beliefs about school coming up – and the responsibilities with money, job, family and school within those beliefs that create fear, uncertainty / lack of self-trust. My dad and I had a fight – then we worked it out the next day, but it was about money, and we were really nasty, and I was angry, and I found it VERy startling that I could not control myself and the events in my life at those moments in time – like I had no control and that I was fucked forever. it was based on money which got me seeing what the fuck I actually have to do for myself: take it up a notch. esepcailly with school because I do not ever want to experience what I went through ever again, thus I won’t.

the real question is, what am I doing right now, what am I saying right now that will actually change me – stand with me for the rest of my behavior, the rest of myself through time in everything I do? what am I doing now to prove my effectiveness, my understanding with how self-forgiveness, and self-change works in a working model.

ok good point to stop with those questions to continue tomorrow – sunday in which school starts monday.

Money & school

2011-01-04T10:05:00.001-08:00

I ran into a money obstacle. I need to get a loan. I require my Dad’s help. And I ‘might need’ job to obtain will help me out as well for next semester. My Dad does not want to help me because he does not want to be an accountable co-signer for my loans if I were to drop out, which I’m not due to strict, dire, excelling reasons in my will – but he wants me to be accountable for everything. I will need him to cosign – because I have not found another way to get a loan without needing a cosigner. Mom says to tell him that I did my research so he sees that I ‘am trying’ so he will cosign. It freezes me up – my dad works a lot and he is the life line of this family – and projects many things about lack of money on to all of us – which I do not blame, money revolves around everything, and I have not had any income from a job in awhile. I know he won’t let me drop out of school without money though, he supports me going to school.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear dropping out of school because of lack of money – fear of the future – fear of not having enough money – fear of not doing the best I could of in obtaining money.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear facing my dad about the loans because I have put myself in a position that I had not wanted to face.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I need to doubt, believe I need to create an uneasy experience related to an issue about money, school, and family.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to be here consistent in breath in every moment applying myself – not thinking about different areas outside of this time to correct, but correcting myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear ‘not knowing what to say’ / not having certainty within myself when facing my dad about the loan issue.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear what I’ve done, seeing it as not good enough in my application.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I don’t need to take responsibility for what I have done and what I need to do.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe in the illusion of choice, when choice is permitting myself not to face what is here and what I have created here for myself.

I forgive myself for feeling scared about money in general, from the economy to my personal situation within my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of giving up / it’s too late / fucking up / not exceeding my expectations.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am going to be lost, and be fucked in debt because of the fear of not having enough money and startling my dad within the money system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to direct myself here in the moment rather than postpone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a situation in which I have to plan close to the deadline rather than take responsibility here.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not see that I am the one creating my own misery through this money system and lack of self-responsibility so I can empower myself to be directive and not disturbed.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an experience of ‘not wanting the time to come to face my dad’ because I feel lazy about it, scared, and have the urge to postpone what I have to face as much as possible.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel threatened by time, money, school and family because of the belief of not directing myself.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am not going to make it – or that I am going to make it, as belief is irrelevant in practical application in self-correction.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create constant unnecesary mind games with myself towards this dilemma in the paradigm of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel, or fear disgruntled towards my dads possible reaction towards me asking him to be a cogisgner and involve him with money in my school life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am fucked without a loan when I am here in breath and have the opportunity to correct myself'

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the work and facing the only choice I have to do.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel reaching to another as a guilty statement of self-interest and money

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that the point of doing self-forgiveness is to correct and clear myself in the small points for when I am walking through these situations I created for myself, I will face them with self-correction and certainty.

long zombie dream

2010-12-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

i dreamed giant cock roaches would clean our bodies -- they would paralyze us, then crawl around us "fixing us," Bernard was there for a brief moment and said, "see you thought it was the opposite, you thought they were just really nasty creatures, it's in reverse," (he said it like that in some way). then zombies started comin on halloween -- we thought people were pretending... but no.. i got my brother and a few others to snap out of their "hero fest" and get in the fucking attic. We get in the attic - 1 zombie happened to get in -- so instead of shooting it, we decide to get out of the attic the back way. then we're running around the complex, which is like a large version of our house, a large corporate mall building, and a water park, and i decide i want to get back in the fucking attic. So we try stacking furniture on top of each other so we could climb on it to get to the attic.

somebody made a v-log about this FUCKED UP capitalistic system -- and it was a viral video -- so a corporate guy did not like that -- and he published a movie about how capitalism and murder is cool

then the zombies came

My personality shaped by The Smiths: 'Dark and Misunderstood'

2010-12-20T01:01:00.000-08:00

This MONEY System is Schizophrenic

2010-12-19T20:48:00.000-08:00

Art and Expression Subject to Money

2010-12-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

What is a Sociopath?

2010-12-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

2010-12-13T16:03:00.001-08:00

2010-11-24T15:32:00.001-08:00

Simulated reality, it feels like it’s a dream

Although I know it’s real, it’s not quite what it seems

The trees gleam through the sunset’s evening breeze

And I cannot find who I am within these things

Myself in school

2010-11-22T22:45:00.001-08:00

Stopping. Breathing in. Music off. I already know what I would say, what already is locked up inside me. A reaction to the time of day, within the grasps of boredom; an accepted state of denial of being here. A clue for something new would hence I expect change from somewhere else. Thinking of possible ways to feel good, come across something new, speculate reality, when yet, there is an underlying worry; something I’ve dealt with before, and it costs money, and time. If only I had reached my desired self-creation, I would have resolved this, and moved forward, instead, it is a fucking monster clawing at my back – wondering why you' did not prevent the same things for happening again and again. The same solutions, scenarios, problems, feelings, words, occupation, situation, location, emotions, investments, relationships – with no point of transcending it; required that I walk through it, with the simple self-dedication to breathing here for every moment.

Now, the time has come, the test of energy, again, and again, to infinity. Face the man, face the situation, and try to work it in my benefit. I know the details of what must be done. I had a chance, I created myself, and I have to deal with the situations I have created – squeamishly having to put away the desires in the future, the fantasy outcomes of the goals I want to accomplish. I’ve seen the high-definition, blind-sides the influence of desires, goals and dreams create – I miss too many real details, that practicality thing. I could have fucked myself this time with school. That is the worry. That I might fail 1 of my classes, screwing me over for my next semester – but I haven’t assumed it, nor will I give up; the transcendence process will tell in the meantime. Just god damn it, for once, will I ever for once, not ever allow myself to put myself through this, to go through this, to create this for myself ever again. Five classes, two I’m speculating, 3 I am ok. I hate such burdens.

I do know what I experience towards is not relevant to what it actually is, within my spectrum of it all. I don’t give up. But I can change. I mean, so much to worry about. Such a burden. Why couldn’t I be free? It’s discomforting. To know and see when I write, this is all that comes up; worry. That what is behind the worry, is nothing but the reaction of my acceptances and allowances, and the permission I give to my acceptances and allowances themselves to continue.

I will know the outcome of these circumstances in month or two, and maybe I will have to get more loans, if the financial aid is unhappy with my GPA – and Iose my classes for next semester, then I would be fucked. I would miss out on a semester maybe, that’s definitely not something I want to go through. That is subjectively, the worst case scenario. It would not stop me from going to school here, but it could delay me for a semester, and cost more money. I am going to resolve these issues with a teacher tomorrow.

On that point, when resolving my problems temporarily, for example, when talking a teacher into helping me out – I suddenly feel ‘ease,’ that ‘freedom,’ I mentioned earlier – like “I am safe now,” with an underlying presumption of, “I can procrastinate, I have time, I am free. (because of the teacher supplying me with an extended deadline)” With common sense – yeah, it is quite obvious how Procrastination works – it is my constant belief of wanting to believe, everything is okay – I am ok, I am safe. And having to crunch the assignments, can be overwhelming, destructive, and a fucked up addiction to force myself to do my work. Obviously, my internal world, my operating system in how I deal with school has been chopped up, and fragmented. And especially, I have dealt with this a long time in school, I become the same thing in school as I was before. Worrying, delaying, speculating, ignoring, hiding, depressing, and never participating in the self-changing transcendence process within the principle of self improvement in all areas inside me, specifically who I am within the system of school. Inside how I walk physically, through time. Primarily, taking responsibility, especially to forgive myself constantly within the reverberations of self deception within my thinking to direct me based on feelings.

It is promoting myself through feelings, and emotional observance, is what will star my central understandings of what is happening, founded on a delusion. Why I know in fact I need to stop my thoughts – to me, they are irrelevant occurrences within my actual changing and participation. OF COURSe, all is masked in the energy – everything is summed up and dominated by energy – so THAT is the structural resonance layout – the predetermined system of resistances and compromises – that which can only be transcended through walking it, with common sense, and being here, one and equal to what is here.

And to put an emphasis on changing now. I would like to look at “now.” Now is the starting point in which is permitted. It is the self-changing point. To keep myself in the now, requires peeling away the fabrications of what I believe I am seeing within my mind. Within what I understand within my mind. Associating thinking – to a resistance, has been a factor in self-denial, self-deception --- the point of ‘not understanding,’ not being satisfied within my current accepted state of existence. I must stop, and realize there is nothing to run to. There is nothing to find. Nothing to attain. Nothing to seek. Common sense is simple enough – it is responsibility itself, which is abused as soon as it is speculated about – as soon as I speculate the why’s and how’s on wanting to achieve my understood-solution – or merely that programmed satisfaction / ease. Stating that, “I will only allow myself to feel ease when I have done what I am supposed to do like a good boy,” allowing the feeling of worry to be justifiable.

If I stopped messing around—stopped giving permission to how I exist in my secret mind. My secret mind is who I am when I am not typing, it is who I am when I am silent around others, when I am alone in my room, when I am paying attention to only my thoughts, and my activities which preoccupy my mind. The fantasies, entertainment, and the intense want for satisfaction through anything. Where all beliefs of what is’ causing this to me,’ is not apart of me, it has power of me, it is not me, so therefor I do not see I am creating it, and therfor I do not change.

And interesting how I have believed other peoples’ attention is what will fix me. People saving me for me. People taking responsibility for me to change me. People reassuring me with their words, their attention. People who I believe have some hidden key to helping me get through this. No, that is not the real case; the real case is I have not took responsibility for myself in the way I wanted to before – and therfore I am reacting to what I have accepted and allowed, simplistically, as I said twice, speculating it is deception to myself.

A discomforting realization was seeing how I had molded “process” into an internal game. A collection of positive and negative reactions and goals. Without the self-reassurance, the self-confirmation, the self-trust of living it to the principle of life I have strived to set myself upon. But I gave in, gave in to what is merely who I am now. Stop speculation.

Organization, without the mind-pictures to this word, and the feelings connected to it – would be looked at in a practical stance, to where “I know” what it is I have to walk through. Setting this up, is another from of freedom I am looking at, but at the same time, organization and prioritizing, is something I am going to have to learn and take advantage of, because I have not felt organized with myself. here.

I’m starting to repeat myself, so I’m going to stop talking here, and NOT GIVE UP. Going to discipline myself here in the now, in common sense, and take care of myself here, within and as school – and I look forward in the coming months to write here on this thread, saying, that I have manifested myself in the correct outcome within myself here in school.

Thanks

Doing the school work to support myself, and slowing down the mind's hidden decision making

2010-11-20T09:55:00.001-08:00

I'm sharing a recent experience of stopping my procrastination habit with school-work.

When I started working on my assignments, I would feel points of energy-tiredness: "no!! what are you doing this is going to take forever!" lol -- then i would stop it, breathe, and realize it was just me creating energy to direct myself to gain "satisfying feelings," or conjure up feelings to motivate me instead of me motivating me. Then I said, "Stop, I am doing this to improve myself, I am doing this for me, I am doing this so I do not fuck myself in the same shit, I am doing this so I am moving forward and not keeping myself in the same spot forever. I am doing this so I am progressing myself while others are suffering so I can put myself in an effective position in the system to where I will have direct influence to stop this current fueling of atrocity, standing along side others who are doing the same. And by supporting myself, I am able to support others."

I pushed through it in 3 hours, got it done, and afterwards in my mind, it felt like I just got done playing a video game for 3 hours. Mind was all dazed, and spacey. So in that sense, I turned doing my work into an addiction -- where I just kept doing it to push myself, it was really cool, because this is the first time I've actually disciplined myself in this way for years.

Something else, I notice that the mind makes decisions fast - and most the time we are not even aware we have already made our experience, our decisions, our beliefs, attitudes towards things -- this is why we slow ourselves down, so we CAN SEE those points of self creation and allowance that we feed to go into energy-feelings-beliefs such as that.

So, when I do get my work accomplished, I know there is nothing to "worry" about, or that I know I do not have to "pend" anything in my mind to get it done later. It is done, and I have directed myself effectively.

Also with procrastination -- I needed energy to having to "crunch" before a deadline as a "reason" to do my work -- to give me an energy drive, a time crunch to do it, instead of not seeing the common sense within how I am participating and creating myself.

http://www.equalmoney.org

more info here on self-support

www.desteni.co.za/forum

Dreaming and Knowledge – give it up for REALITY

2010-11-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

After the slumber of being attracted into a dramatic, happy fantasy world, when I awoke, I immediately advised myself to discard the dream as “not who I am,” because I believed it to be me, happy when asleep – and depressed when awake, I allowed the events in the dream, and the events in my life prior to this dream to tell me ‘who I am’ and ‘what I should experience’. Like awaking from a nightmare, but the opposite. I knew the elements of the dream were separate from me, or had a valuable-idea to craft today’s waking goals, or self identity into a mold, so I was not going to allow myself to believe these elements of what I experienced in the dream world, to be real, and allow them to direct me in the rest of my waking day. And of course, not allow them to affect me in any way in the belief that they are apart of who I am. So, how does ‘not allowing these feelings to direct me’, work? Since I am in reality, I am able to question details to be real or not.

But that’s nothing. Discarding something that is ‘not you’ – is not going to work unless you completely stop it, and that requires understanding why you created it in the first place, so you can stop it from happening again, because after all, you are the creator as the energized-personality, and that cannot be denied, ignored, or wished away. According to self in dreams-- all areas, aspects, and creations are but a math operation according to your energetic personality. And as dreams show us, trying to discern what is real or not, by using the energetic personality to decide for us, can be a discouraging starting point in “wanting to figure out what is real, and why we have created these things in the first place.” That is why, Destonians have emphasized the word, “STOP!” so often. Because you won’t understand yourself with conscious-understanding since it’s been automated most of your life– conscious-understanding will have a direction, a choice, or opinion to choose from – mainly on the basis of right and wrong, and a believed view of your persona as to why you allow and create yourself.

The word STOP, is used to completely “freeze yourself,” or put yourself on hold – because in that you can see what is running automatic (with the aid of inner silence, as listening to background noise, and carrying NO inner movement within you), and you can see how you are creating such vibrations. Moreover, you can see what is obviously, practical to use for directing and supporting yourself, without the lingering fear, and conspicuities of the self-deception already in place to walk through.

Understanding who you are means, understanding the workings of yourself ENTIRELY; from birth until death, every consequence, every refraction of thought, every event that has created ‘who you are,’ there will be no need for choice because you will be certain and stable within who you are, and the illusion of choice is unmasked – and knowledge is then only a practical tool, like the muscle of your arm. You can exercise your arm, like you can exercise your mind. And through self forgiveness, you can “move in reverse” to the origin of the creation (being knowledge), allowing the identification of the origin of how you created it in your past, which is the same as taking self responsibility, because in that, you have identified yourself as the creator, and you know what you will create in the future. In stopping we can recognize, only a little bit, that each mathematical proposition that you have imposed onto your physical reality through your mind, is what is creating the world as it is today, therefor, the tool of STOPPING is evident for changing yourself and the world. Thus, the process of purification within the EQUALITY EQUATION (1+1=2) is highly beneficial and recommended to taking self-responsibility in changing our world.

Most of us, “caught up in the game” in the process of life, will focus on the primary objective, being the implication of an equal money system that honors life, and working in the principle of “doing what is best for all,” because personality does not matter in this case, only in the case of self forgiveness, since you have to give up your personality anyway, that is inevitable for all humans.

With knowledge and science – we are only uncovering what is “already there” –- we are just placing it into an understanding in our mind. So, we are looking at our own observations, our own constructions in our minds, self-created problems projected into consciousness. I will discuss the fallacy of knowledge, in comparison to actual, self-realization later.

currency collapse solution; support equalmoney.org

2010-11-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

Chain events dawning; www.equalmoney.org is the solution

http://www.desteni.co.za

dream

2010-11-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

someone is riding a bike down a hill through a forest, and i am trying to catch up (i'm on foot), so i jump in the air from the top of the hill and glide down and hug the person from behind and hold on, and we start riding down through the area. i have the dream twice, and it is like this amazing happy feeling. like im being taken away. or just happy and 'can fly'or ride through the air, i guess that feeling is like, "freedom, happiness feeling". resembles to me the lack of self intimacy because i create a picture image experience known as a dream to fill a desire. it was a nice dream nonetheless. also it relates to "accomplishing" my task here in school. Also for the Equal money system so all can have fun and have freedom.

Shaving my head for World Equality, Stand up for All Life,

2010-10-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.faceworldfaceoff.com
and http://www.equalmoney.org
vote for all to have a dignified life. vote for world equality. vote for the equality money system. stop personality and self interest. stop war. stop poverty. stop genocide. STOP SEPARATION = symbol to stand up for all life that is you.
desteni

making the same mistake twice

2010-10-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

When I make a shitty mistake. Like 1 time I locked myself out of the dorm complex here and I had to wait an hour for someone to come outside, I tend to make sure I don't do tha same thing again. This time I overslept (again) and didn't finish my optional writing assignment at the rigth time. So now I'm going to do it but I don't know if the teacher is going to accept it. I'm thinking about makin an excuse up so she will still let me turn it in. makes me so sad that fucked that up. i havent FULLY changed yet because i allowed that habit to control me. just frustrating... i hate putting myself behind on my school work.... these mistakes ill get over, its just that i have to walk through the past fuck ups i already made this semester. i should be fine, its just putting me on edge when i do these things, so im going to write the movie review on Troy and see if i can turn it in tomorrow. ill just have to get over the fear of having to write an essay and the possibility of the teacher not allowing me to turn it in.

Masturbation support

2010-10-27T10:21:00.001-07:00

not changing paradigm

2010-10-27T01:25:00.001-07:00

God and Satan is a false dichotomy

2010-10-20T18:31:00.001-07:00

From my video blog:

2010-10-20T01:35:00.001-07:00

I like it. I like to be lost. Nothing can define it.

The bullshit of "respect my personal beliefs"

2010-10-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

In response to the video I made on "Fuck Alcohol"

unlikely animal friends

2010-10-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I'm watching unlikely animal friends on TV. Watching one with a crow and cat being friends for FOUR YEARS!! I had tears, I was just really moved by it. The one with the baby orex (like a baby deer) and the lioness was amazing, but sad too because it eventually was taken away by a male lion. The lioness ended up adopting other baby orexes, but they didn't last as long as the first -- it was just impossible for it to be maintained in that kind of environment.

And there was one with a baby hippo and a tortoise, I thought was really cool. And the fascinating thing about it, when the hippo got really big, they had to separate - so the hippo started to stay together with another hippo (after resisting the new friendship, he eventually got comfortable around the other hippo), and the tortoise had a new friend as well. The tortoise and the hippo "forgot" about each other - but they were just as happy when they were together, like they didn't change, which was cool cause it resembled to me oneness and equality.

nacho the chihuahua - dog whisperer

2010-10-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

on the dog whisperer, which is my favorite tv show now that i have discovered it, there is this little fat chihuhuha named Nacho (LOL) and he has this teeddy bear (lmao) and its HIS teddy bear, and if any human gets near his teddy bear he goes ballistic, he goes crazy and starts fighting and stuff. anyway thats all i have got in the show
Update: it is funny, cause Nacho is like "who is this guy Cesar? invading my property." Cesar corrects Nacho's behavior in a minute.

that show is really awesome, Cesar corrects the humans a lot too, because the humans do not understand dog instincts most of the time.

It is very interesting, because I can see that there IS A CORRECT WAY to raise a child, to be with a dog -- and I can see how much of my parents influence has programmed me to be certain ways. Really cool in seeing the integration of my own isecrutieis and programmings that came from the way my parents raised me.

I'm going to research about Jake's anxiety, because he gets crazy anxiety a lot -- like he has always been really hyper. Also he has stayed young for a long time, people still think he is a puppy and has to be over 16 years old. probably 17

update:
there is this things about crows i saw where they study the traffic signals and rules of the road for when they drop nuts in the road for cars to crack them, then they wait for the light to turn red and then retrieve the food.

there was a camera on a seal, the seal starts to swim in the water looking for food, it soooo funny because to see what a seal sees, going up and down through out the water, briefly socializing with other seals while swimming by. really funny.

scientists track penguin movements because they tell us a shit load about what is happening in the ocean and the climate - they indicate a lot of stuff.

waking up, singing, music, school

2010-10-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

feeling tired. i got 8 hours of sleep. lol i am feeling sleepy still. and hungry. have to go to the cafeteria in a bit. shakign a lot. body stuff! coldness, it is starting to get cold here. im thinking about heading back to austin after class, because I want to see my dog. I want to go down to the greenbelt with him, i didn't get a chance to last time. but i dont know if i will this weekend because it is expensive to spend money on gas to head back, so i try to do it every 3 or 4 weeks. going to turnt the heater on, it is cold!!lol

I have 2 songs I want to sing too. It is hard for me to sing on the mic because it is never the way i want it to be. I get too self conscious about how i should sound so i have hard time making my voice sound "natural." My voice wasn't born good to sing, so I have practiced for 4 years singing, mostly a lot in my car because I can be as loud as I want without worrying what others think. I liked singing the "death metal stuff" but my friend Olivier who is in the electronica band Hol Baumann from France wants me to sing normal, and he is going to elaborate on it, which is awesome. Now I get really self-conscious bout my voice lol.

when i was young i would have songs and melodies i made playing over and over in my head. I should of learned the guitar at a young age, doesn't matter tho. i have melodies play in my head, and the way i have been getting them out for the past 8 years is through fruity loops (music making program). i felt i had to do that because i have melodies always playing in my head, so what the hell -- i have to "play" some kind of instrument.

alright heading to soldering class in a little bit then tech success at 3pm, then i am done. the tiredness went away now, i am awake.

focus on breathing, no thoughts. i have to remind myself to lose the thinking points, ive been dependent on them for a long time, so stopping them is a constant process.

Self forgiveness: "FALLING in love"

2010-10-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

I just met these 2 guys, they were the first people I met here when I arrived in May, so I considered them friends. They just smoke weed. (not my friend i talked about in the last blog, these 2 different people). And I felt like they didn't want me chilling with them. I was trying to build conversation but they weren't responding to me much. It made me uncomfortable with myself. And so I was like, "alright, later," and they didn't say anything back. I had a negative reaction towards myself, but it does not affect me anymore.

It kinda sucks here at this school, there is not a lot to do. I wish .. I wish I wish. Lol, wishing. I still keep thinking about wanting to see Ann, it is ridiculous. I've been getting better about it, forgiving those points, getting real, and letting go. I don't need to think about that. It's self abuse. I have specific thoughts of attachment towards her because I have given permission to it and have not completely stopped my desire/attachment to her. They are not real. I let go. Sometimes I just start thinking about her a lot because I know why, because I am not a complete person, and my mind will try to make something out to be that it is not. I will try to "comfort" myself by thinking about her, playing make believe like she is here with me. This has been a habit for about a year and half now -- where I would think about someone everyday. I notice this program in me in my earlier life too with people I was friends with in school, but the case with Ann has been most "integrated" because I built many attachments and falsities related to another. I've realized that I create my entire experience, so I am fully responsible -- it has nothing to do with another, actually.

The fascinating thing is, I know that I am already complete, so I see my mind have these feelings for her - or the desire to not be alone, and I start crying inside, but I kNOW THERE IS REALLY, ACTUALLY NOTHING THAT CAN COMPLETE ME BUT MYSELF == There is "nothing to gain," LOLOLOL

It can be very very very intense feelings, and it feels like these feelings for her will never go away. It sucks ass. I haven't found a way to completely let go of the idea of her in my mind. It is quite obvious why I have kept this experience about her going, because I give permission to it. I have given permission to myself to make me think/feel/believe that she is apart of me. There is only self creation, and self-permission -- another cannot possibly be something "special" apart of me. It is only a delusion I've created within myself, called attachment. It is dangerous to be attached in this way to a person, because what happens when the person is not there? CRASH! This is what a lot of people experience as "love," -- because I have found myself *automatically* telling myself, "because I love her, I am in love with her," -- big red flag on that. I definitely have to flag myself sometimes. There is no real love in this world, there is only self honesty, self forgiveness, and equality for all in accumulation as real love. NO ONE IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANOTHER, WE ARE EQUAL IN THIS TOGETHER - THIS IS IMPERATIVE TO REALIZE FOR EQUALITY

If anyone is reading this, here is the topic about this I wrote awhile back -- you can see how much I deluded myself with this here:
http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=145&t=17586

It is help to write this out. I had defined myself to her a lot. And have been seeing how I've defined myself to her immensily. I have felt all the assortment of jealousy and emotions - "love" is an experience that you stop immediately, do not delude yourself with love - ever. Vanity is something you want to remove immediately. Do not have vanity. (vanity: thinking the world revolves around you, expecting everything to be OK for you) ; vain

So, to prepare the steps in removing the idea of her completely from my mind will take a lot of effort. I cannot accept vanity. I can say I have done a real good job so far of removing that, because I do not think about her near as much compared to a year ago. We are "not meant for each other," LOL -- I am very shallow and feeble to think that, because it is SELF INTEREST. It is also a self created delusion.

So the steps within this -- Wow, I realized that, I FEAR letting go of thoughts about her being with me. lol .... I like to think she is with me. .. Because as soon as I prepared to remove her from my mind I got extremely scared and said, "nooo."

So to go deeper:
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I am her.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to beleive I need to participate within the thought relationships I have had of her because I have allowed myself to feel "empty without thinking of her.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe in her in a special way related to me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I am only deceiving myself by talking about this subject.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to infest myself with thought-images of her personality.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe my life purpose is to see her.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to want her to see me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to generate and give permission to my identity to be related to thinking of her consistently.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe she is the only person I want to have sex with.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to be physically attracted to the picture image of her, and mentally attracted to the idea i have of personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need her in my life or I will never be complete.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up completely within this, for myself and stop the experience immediately.,
I forgive myself for having accept and allow myself to believe that I continuously need to wait to see her for the future.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I WILL BE NOTHING WITHOUT THE THOUGHTS AND RELATIONSHIP ATTACHMENT TO HEr.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energy connection to thought-images of her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see who I really am in totality without the constant need and belief of her in my mind and life.
I forgive myself having allowed myself to give permission to judgments and conditions placed on myself specifically, and related to her.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe here completely and be dilligent and consistent in stopping this expeirence.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that I should not forgive myself for these moments and experiences related to wanting to think about another, in relation to me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the permission i have constantly givn to feed this obsession of another through my participation and believed that it was ok to participate in it because it makes me feel good to see her, when not seeing that it makes me feel bad as well - when I am creating the experience only within myself.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel scared about her judging me and feel scared about losing her.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I have her and she is mine and that i believe i want to have control over the situation in my life related to this specific relationship addiction.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe I need to see her online everyday in order to feel complete and safe that she is around and there to support me.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to completely stop and not allow this continued permission ive created within myself about these thoughts about her.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself and my self image related to her, related to the image and belief i have about her.
I forgive myself that i haven;t completely let go of her already within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe i need her to exist in my life in order to be a functional human being.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I am ok if I just wait for her to come online again to see her.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to create the desire of visiting another area outside of me.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe I need to impress her with my videos and statements in order to complete myself and accept my self image.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to be jealous of other people related to around her.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed my secret mind to be the death of me.
I forgvie myself for having allowed my secret mind to be conspiring an agenda in relation to getting her attention.
I forgive myself for having allwoed myself to feel positivity and negativity within the energetic reactions of feeding the relationship within my mind.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to stop the energetic experience related to the relationship and attachment of her immediately.
I forgive myself having allowed myself to not stand up and take full responsibility of the feelings and memories i have created inside my interpretation of apparent completeness.
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe i need to be in her life, within her, that i need to make up bullshit to talk to her and continue my self abuse.
I forgive myself that i haven;t alloewd myself to completely walk physically clean out of this relationship experience i have justified many times before.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to justify the experience in order to keep it going within my own self interest, not fully seeing and understandin what exactly is happning related to this in full measure, within the entire self creation of myself in all areas of my life.
I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to stop and see the limitations of such thoughts and attachments related to her, and thus have wanted to continue the thoughts about her. (same thing with any addiction, we do not see that it is limited, we do not see exactly the outflows of the creation, we are only interested in the feeling.)

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to want energetic reactions to create from her.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I need her to apply me attention and help in order for me to be a functional human being.

No more dysfunction.
No more self abuse.
No more obsession.
No more false relationships.
No more beliefs.
NO MORE LIMITATIONS.
No more addictions.
No more self enslavement.
No more delusions.

I have stopped and do not require images, thoughts, experiences, memories in my mind to complete me.

I dedicate this day to myself here in every moment as life.

2010-10-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

I'm awake right at sunrise. I have to take it slow when I awake, because my mind is now initiated into waking life, so the processes in which I place myself into will become the starting point through out the day. I've already started thinking a shit load, whcih I've then said no, and return back to nothing in "darkness." No reactions -- and forgiveness within the thoughts.

I have friend here, he came from the Atx just like me. He was my younger brother's friend, and he recognized me. Turns out he's going to school here for the same thing I am, and we started at pretty much the same time. He's chilled with me a lot and we've talked about all kinds of shit related to the money system and abuse. So he gets where I'm coming from, and he understands the facebook posts. It's pretty cool. We're able to help each other out.

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in thoughts, as in constant permission i give to "complete" my persona experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the conditions I've placed on myself to runa program carried out within my permission.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge life based off energy and thinking perception in reaction to what I give permission to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and hold myself back in resistance.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to continue thinking on the side instead of remain here in breath in every moment as full dedication to who i am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistances within myjudgments of fear within the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself here in every moment.
I forgive myself having allowed myself to believe that I am fucked and cannot change myself here in breath.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stop my thoughts here completely with breath and self forgiveness, within giving back to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thoughts of attachment to another within the permission of wanting to complete myself.
I forgive myself for haven't allowed myself to realize who I am as my entire physical body within the self presence of breth.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe I cannot change here in every moment of life and breath as who I really am -- not subject to energy compliance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become apart of judgments and analysis of suppressions of held in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself here in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind as the experience that will release me through energy.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath through self forgiveness -- giving away my thoughts, giving back to myself.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to hold on to judgments, and participate within reactions and judgments to other things in my world.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to think I do not understand the purpose and action within self forgiveness, within simplicity, within breaht and release and dedication to myself to return back here in every moment.
I forgive myself for having allwoed myself to jduge myself in process accoridng to how i want to look and be perceived.
I forrgive myself for having allowed myself to hold an inital reaction of energy insid of me related to perceiving and observing self forgiveness and self corrective application.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe I am unable to participate in self forgiveness through out the entire day of being here.

I dedicate this day to myself here in every moment as life. No more influences of energy. No more instable thought processes. No more fear. No more energy addictions and perceptions. No more internal dialogue within how I see reality. No more belief of loneliness and boredom, and fear and procrastination -- because I am standing up for who I really am here as life in every breath.

2010-10-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Requiring energy to do self forgiveness.
Energy has been a point, obviously, that I am centered around. I require energy to move myself. Energy is what consists of my experience. Energy is how I feel about things. It is how I see and feel about things.

For this I hate energy. Because, I constantly get energy movements inside of me that make me feel shit about life. It makes feel tired. It makes me feel delusional, unresponsive to my responsibilities in life. And it comes up from thoughts, it is created by just single thoughts - and then BOOM! I have the enegetic experience. What is fascinating is that, when I write about it in detail, the energy feelings go away, until they come back later.

It is who I am; energy. It dictates and controls me. I've been unable to experience myself as "wanting to correct/assess myself" because of energy.

So basically that is what is the problem. The solution is to apply self forgiveness on these points of energy inside of me. Shit, I really do not want to start applying self forgiveness on these points. I feel tired at the moment, sleepy, like I could go to sleep easily. I do not want to do that though because it is 1130 am and still early and I need to wait til about 9pm to go to sleep, because that is how my sleeping schedule gets off -- because I start sleeping during the day and stay up at night. And the idea of "oh a nap won't hurt, I can have a nap, nothing is wrong with a nap." Yeah, that may be true, it won't kill to have a nap, but a nap should not be any longer than 2 hours of sleep. I never do that, lol, I've taken naps before and usually go for longer than 4 hours, so at this moment I do not require a nap. Because there are justifications and excuses behind the nap scenario in wanting to "kill time, kill boredom."

I've been getting the feeling of "all I'm doing is thinking, I am not applying corrections to myself." What does this imply? This, as in, a moral-self-correction-idea and judgment of myself, seeing myself as being of only thinking and "neeed to stop and correct myself, because I have only been thinking -- I guess these past 3 days, where I heven't assessed myself at all.

To me, that is the "middle road," -- not correcting myself. "Just living," and not doing anything to change myself.

fuck liefe, dis-cover life

2010-10-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

Life
i know that life is about seeing who i am as life. will i allow myself to keep being controlled? or am i here to realize who i am inside myself within my cells. understanding every moment through every breath, which connects me to all else. there is something about slowing myself down. i exist inside a delusion, the aura of the personality; an entanglement of attractions - where i cannot see exactly who i am and what im doing to myself because i am the aura of the personality itself, and the thing i miss the most is the "allowed access," the moment of permission i give to thoughts which constantly mold myself to energy, beliefs - dominating my actions.

i understand the implications of what it means to actually be life, self actualized. but the determination, self will, self motivation is what i have been lacking. losing a sight of what really matters, with the fears of everything collapsing on top of that. the same thoughts im thinking have already been processed before. that is how i know i am not life.

i will come to a point in this time -- with the obstacle of a constantly changing, reacting experience, from emotions to perceptions, and self movement -- that i will accept myself for who i am, and apart of noticing the small refractions that makes up who i am, i forgive them immediately, because they are not really who i am. i will see the make- up of the systems that control me, the mathematical consequences i have to walk through, the projections which i have created to create who i am as this energy charged personality, that sadly, has fallen many times in the sight of delusion and failure, giving up, and fear. And I will stop it. I have to prove things for myself. maybe that is my motivation i am waiting for, waiting to prove things to myself, for when they happen, i support myself and walk through them, through the stretch of time.

here, i am not here. i am not life. and 'being hard' on myself is a terrible delusion and self abuse, a facade to make myself believe that i really need to change, missing the entire point.

i want to be out of a state that i am right now. i wont be seen again as ryan. i will transcend this bullshit. i do not need a word.

resisting going to sleep / resisting waking up

2010-10-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

I reach points at the nighttime, where I do not want to go to sleep. This has caused problems, a lot of problems in my life because I will go to sleep at the wrong times and sleep at the wrong periods of time that do no coincide with my responsibilities.

The point of not feeling tired and not wanting to go to sleep. Not wanting to face the day.

solution is obvious.

Saying things that feel like Self Forgiveness

2010-10-05T23:57:00.001-07:00

Girls

2010-10-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

There are more girls here now. For some reason I "lock up" around young women. Like I immediately do not care to engage in conversation because of beliefs, and I am not sure if I should get involved with their lives, and I have learned helplessness around them that I developed. Plus "getting fucked up" is always talked about around women, because men like to get women drunk, women accept it to have fun, it's easier for sex to happen. It's virtually the same everywhere I've been here.

But around women I lock up and never have anything to say, nor do I want to say anything. But even when I do want to talk -- I say to myself, "Ok find something to say find something to say find something to say," and nothing natural or smooth comes out. It is only when I "don't care about what others think" that I can actually be myself around them.

Masturbating in my imagination obvious has a part in this, in how I experience myself around actual women. I've started my 21 days no masturbation, as well as stopping other things.

One thing I do know for certain here, mostly all men are obsessed with women. Openly, if not, secretly.

the point of this Log is discussing my dishonesty when I around women, because I am dishonest towards myself in those moments, because I go into fear and judgment. So process is about facing all dimensions of life -- it does not have anything to do with women, or sex -- it has to do with how I am supporting myself.

digital

2010-10-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

Went to Digital Fundamentals. I was able to pick up extra 5 minutes of tutoring, and then I went to the lab, where I didn't know how to set up the equations. I could only get the teacher to come around to me for about a minute of help then he had to go help everyone else. Plus he was yelling at me, and I said I didn't get it, and he just kept repeating shit I didn't know. So I was like fuck this, I will come in friday for an actual tutoring session and finish up my labs for this week. I'm not going to play the, "teach me in 1 minute" game. Yeah, I'm behind because I skipped and I have to face the consequences, it doesn't mean I'm going to allow to do that.

self forgiveness on the desire to masturbate...

2010-10-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe in the experience of sex when I am not having sex.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe in having sex with another when I am not doing that.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel and create the intense need to masturbate to thoughts of another having sex.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel jealous because I have defined myself to another in the intense desire to have sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep recreating the experience because of the addiction I have allowed.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to think that I cannot stop masturbation adiction, and stop my programming because I have created myself this way for so long.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the uncertainty of the loop holes and inconsistencies I have created in my next class.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe these thoughts, feelings, sexual drive is real and therefor is what I should do.
I forgive myself for having allowed the constant hole inside me to have belief and expect 1 day to have sex with a desired one.
I forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe I cannot transcend this sexual integration through time. Without self will I cannot.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek rewards already for "doing whatI'm doing."
I forgive myself for allowin myself to expect a change in the future instead of changing myself here in the moment in which I have deceived myself into giving attention to my mind, instead of my self forgiveness and self corrective application.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear losing another based on the assumption and perception of my physical appearnace not being good enough for another in the defintion and extraction of wanting another to complete me and give me the right attention I believe I deserve.

10/4/2010

2010-10-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel unsafe right now.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to become what I am right now.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in my thoughts out of free will.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel sad about myself, and feel sorry for myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am worthless.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear doing work.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am not doing forgivneess good enough.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hide and not take responsibility for what is happening ion my life.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I cannot complete 21 days, and for judging myself based on those thoughts.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to slow down in my thoughts and beliefs.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself TO STOP.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to really try and do what I am supposed to do without contemplation.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am alone in this and that I have allowed myself to believe I need another part of me to be paid attention to.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am incapable of directing myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am too fucked too change.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to go into fear modes about assumptions of the next day.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to change, to not want to put effort because of justifications I use as fear to not change and face myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am less than others who are in the sra.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am not a good or effective desteni member for not being in the sra.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i need the sra to be an effective person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be inflatuated with thoughts of allowing myself to think i have a special connection with another.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to think i am not good enough for another.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to gain attention to be with another.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to base my existence and reason to live and do good based on doing it for another being.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to have ideas and judgments of another person.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i need sexual satisfaction and a romantic relationship.
I forgive myself that i have consistently allowed myself to think of another and therefor built an obsession ive defined my life to.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i am faking, and not doing good enough based on assumptions.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try and hide my emotion and feelings and thoughts and secret acts because of the fear of losing another.
i forgive myslef for have not allowed myself to be unconditional towards myself and apply myself in the reality i am in and the responsibilities i face.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i should not want to do school work.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to blame others for my anger and situation.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want showcase my realizations for attention.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear going to sleep in the belief that i should go to sleep and should wake up.... when i am aware at all times what the consequences of my actions are and what is required for me to complete
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself based on my physical appearance of how i see and experience myself.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i cannot improve within myself.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to become somethin i am not instead of facing myself here.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel alone, sad, depressed and dark because i believe i am going to fail.
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fail in life so far and believe that i will continue to fail.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly believe i need to think about anothr girl in order to feel connected to her, as it is an illusion, delusion and self abuse to define myself to another.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not have patience and consitency and develop self discipline within my reality and responsibilities.

sTARING OVER

2010-10-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote about my banal experience in school and I received great support from everyone here. Andrew's response got myself stable in simplicity and common sense, and I'm going to follow up on it

Ryan look at how you are creating yourself.
Your Creating and Designing yourself in the image and likeness of 'skipping' of 'inconsistency' 'procrastination' and leaving "massive holes/gaps" in your understanding of what your doing, which also indicate "massive holes/gaps" within yourself as self awareness/presence

There is not one Valid Justification to skip/miss even One Class.

Here is an opportunity for you to develop your self standing, and self consistency, I mean the 'structure' is already laid out and placed before you, all you have to do is show up for class. Yes it will take Self Will and Determination, and at the end of the day you decide who you will be so why not take this opportunity to do yourself a favor and start showing up to every class.

This was major point, because it was 100% right, and assited me greatly in realize what I have to do. I set up a 21 days list of commitment to myself in my journal. Because, HOLY SHIT, I couldn't see how I was creating myself!! I had loopholes in my own self-perception and couldn't allow myself to see common sense. I AM NOT EVEN HERE -- I am in my mind, have been in my mind for a long time.

Changing takes time. This process is no game. I will follow up on this to come.

A Human's Perceived Brutality of the Animal Kingdom and Nature IS NOT TRUE

2010-10-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

A quick note:
I've been watching shows on TV related to animals, nature, and science, I really enjoy them much more then crap TV, which is 98% of TV. WOW! My reaction automatically goes, animals are fucking brutal with the food chain. It is really fucked up. I am just like... holy shit that is fucked up. Brown bears eating other species of brown bear cubs because they are an easy target. Sea birds eating baby bird chicks with the mother right there. Everything eats each other, it is fucking crazy. It is really brutal. Because, all the animals are driven by hunger and survival. I also saw the day to day life of Fresh-Water Salmon, HOLY SHIT, their lives are ROUGH. And we as humans, are the most fucked up of all because we have knowledge. Ann's video on how people use nature/animal kingdom as an excuse to abuse, comes up a lot related on these points. Because, "survival of the fittest" is a sadistic argument I hear people use a lot to justify starvation and war. As if it is "OK" for us to abuse and destroy ourselves because of our feeble understanding of the perceived brutality of nature (which humans contribute to, consuming and polluting resources where Animals have to adapt to our ignorance towards life, and become more desperate and aggressive to find food).

Point is, we do not understand this cycle as animals do. We may think it is brutal, but I'm sure these animals understand fully the nature as what we accept, and forgive themselves and the other animal eating them when their time is up, because they are not capable of spiteful judgment, and necessarily a fear of loss (fear losing knowledge). Because equality works both ways, 1 may be a victim in this life, then they may experience being the predator to see that it is not so great either to take another's life, consuming ourselves. That's all we ever do anyway, WE EAT OURSELVES!

We are a super-animal, that found a way to manufacture animal-lives strictly for breeding, eating, and slaying. Like a giant fucked up machine of death, murdering and then packaging off the bodies in plastic for later consumption.

Anyway, wanted to write about this because I found it shocking to notice how 'barbaric' the animal kingdom is too, even though I am just a human and I do not understand the Animal Kingdom's point of view and experience. Surviving in nature itself alone, is brutal.

Always going back to this quote, We think we know, but we do not see every atom that makes up the entire experience as one in equality, we should not judge anything, because we do not even see ourselves correctly. ‎"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. And in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you the smartest of all." ~ Socrates.

my education process

2010-10-01T19:00:00.001-07:00

this is why

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=157&t=18623

weird unlisted vlog

2010-10-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

talking about what i normally experience at late night. weird vlog, cuz from the beginning of it to the end, it is like i change to "more clear." at the beginning i look, all fucked up and scared, and near the end, i am like clear again. That shows the vlogs assist and that the energy (scared, depressive, confused) i was experiencing at the beginning was not real, it was just me creating the experience myself.