Sitting here. Been having complications with communicating/supproting with the body. Staggered. And unbeleiavably unaware of my time-based self past, present and future -- which has me at 'awe' the most -- the 'standing the test of time' definition. Primarily the delusion of thinking i am 1 thing -- when the test of time -- given any situation i am in -- and any person i am -- would change and contradict what i think i am. The current moment itself is a deception, because this is where i get my current thoughts and self-definitions from, despite it simply just being a tool move here itself -- its the false promise part which I have a problem with.
compilation of the mind. the mood. the beliefs, the knowledge, the experience of myself as my mind in my body -- is what creates the pain. THe deception of giving up and giving in to 'relapse'. I cannot escape as i desire to escape -- and to escape would be into a happy, comfortable mood in a nice atmosphere. That is brainwashing because i am not looking at myself here when i do that. All i know is i want the pain to stop. I feel it, the systems running through my physical body wherein I have no control - and they do their own thing. The systems in my skin, my lungs, my blood, my heart -- from drinking soda -- smoking ciggs, the things i eat. I haven't bathed in a few days, i feel a thin layer of bacteria amongst me, maybe - like a dirty feeling in a way.
Oh Goodness, I just want to be free. Be free fromm the system chains i impose on myself. Be free from my constant self-manipulation. I see so predominantly, so automatically, that I need an outside source -- that i've constantly defined myself to an outside source my entire life, where not seeing myself is such a common thing. Enslaved to entertainment. Enslaved to lonliness. Flashing light screens always in front of my eyes. Am i looking at the real world, or a screen? Did i mask something? I am in process of stopping my mind completely, becuase I know I will not be in it -- i will be in reaality, i will be aware of everything. I will not distract myself, and for once, just fucking once, realize what equality and oneness actually means on my own. Seeing what the entire reason and purpose is for supporting myself. Does that exist outside of surivival? We do not know of such things. We know of survival, we know nothing about self-support...
I'm SICK of vanishing into a MEMORY. SICK. Nothing of who i really am as life actually exists as me here. I am existing as a program that i so clearly, and most-seemingly, helplessly see. I am constantly in limbo -- and what i mean by that -- existing as the mind, and that is it -- no anything at all -- just me as the mind, and i do not move anywhere -- like i cannot see the points in which i am disregarding thhrough autmaitc brainwashing.. i said i want to stop my mind completely -- and yet i cannot do it. Work one point at a time though.
I've applied forgiveness on the points of wanting sex, and wanting .. whatever it is when 2 people have intimate relations --- whatever that is -- ive applied self-forgiveness -- and since i did it- - i realized i only suppressed it, because it still exists. Like a permanent thing is missing inside of me --
Am I not whole already? MY Dad said, a female is like the 2nd part of me, and i am not whole- - maybe he is just fucking lying to me. It does not matter, it is sad, how do i overcome this? Besides having sex and go into an agreement -- how do i overcome this? I have to stop this constant way of thinking i am not already complete, this constant thinking of needing something outside of me. And i have to be diligent, constant, and self-respectful in my self-forgiveness process. I have to open me up more with self-forgiveness.
I go INTO thoughts about something outside of me. I go into thoughts of the TV display. WTF. I go into thoughts within the video game, pretending i am supporting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame certain women for the way i've experienced myself for years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on sexuality and physical dominance as a male =-- according to not being the picture perfect thing I have wanted to be in my mind., and therfore judge others according to myself as me being accepted or not accepted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold secret thoughts in my secret mind of anger towards a specific person in which I allowed myself to believe this person was deliberatly trying to anger me and make me feel jealous.
The positive shit that happens in my life is something that is harder to stop -- because i do not want to stop it. With negativity, it is a redflag that comes up -- with positivity (ego- positivity) it is like i cannot possibly see a way to stop it. I am so consumed by the positive experience i begin to believe it is real and justified. [The sun is setting going outside] [back, taking a shower -- i got a bit a rain on me, having minor fears of radiation]
It is he thoughts of occurrences themselves, in which i have enslaved myself to.
To hide something is to judge it, and to not look at it -- to believe i am not that if i do not present it to others-- thinking it is the outer, the others in which define me. Exposing myself is self-support to look at how I've accumulated myself to become that which I am ashamed of -- to be have the ability to stop it at it's source accumulation.
Ok, within family, the way I was raised -- was through a 'towering' father -- great dad, but the way I had been raised, was according to being less than him -- where I've developed a 'thing' to be afraid to speak my opinion -- and wanting to lash out in intensity because of immense fear of being shut down. I'm going to look at how this is relating to my process now. The part of myself within time where I do not think I am capable -- or possess the purpose and motivation to do something -- and thus want to give up, and go into my desire to not desire anything- - the desire to not do what i do not feel like doing; thus immobilizing myself. Feel to express myself.
The desire to stop writing is setting in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and remain in a state of not applying self-forgiveness to thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not good enough as i am here.
I will continue later.
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